Tears & Fears vs. Confessions&Questions

Okay, so a little over a year ago I joined the church to which I am now a member and attending. I did it because I felt the Lord calling me, and I couldn't ignore him any longer. I did so to the chagrin of my parents, but so you get the whole picture let me start from the beginning.

A few months prior to my decision one of the most catastrophic moments of my life happened. Something that had eaten me from the inside out for almost 10 years of my life could no longer be hidden. I sat in a crowded auditorium with all the other students of my school, listening to a guest speaker. It was revival week at my school, and although i hadn't expected I'd be one of the revived, God grabbed hold of me and didn't let go. The speaker had been invited to speak for 3 days, and being the last day I was looking forward to a normal schedule and back to normal school life. But in the midst of his final sermon it was like everything I had suppressed for so long was being ripped from my grasp. Then began the inner struggle that I had never felt before. I could literally feel the spiritual battle raging inside. I was the battlefield. The Lord was fighting for me, and He was not backing down. I kept trying to suppress it, to force it all back down.
"I couldn't do it here. Not here. What would they think of me?" Those were the first few thoughts I had as the battle begun, but they seemed irrelevant as God began to slowly beat the enemy down. The Lord kept calling,kept forcing the evil one out. God was working on me. He was removing the blemish I had bore for so long. I kept fighting the Truth, I kept trying to ignore it, but everytime I did the truth just kept coming back. I had hidden it so long I couldn't back out now. Every fear I had ever felt about this matter came soaring to the surface, but somehow in the midst of this horrendus struggle I was no longer afraid of them. My heart was changing and I didn't even know it. God was opening up my heart, allowing me to fall into His open arms.
In the middle of this battle, the minister continued his sermon and everything he was saying to me just echoed everything God was saying to me. It hurt. Oh, my goodness it hurt so bad. I felt as if my heart would rip from my chest. I was so grieved. I felt like it was beaten. I was disgusted with myself, with the truth I was so sorry, so enveloped in guilt. I could barely breathe and the tears flowed even though no one around me had noticed. They were ingulfed in the message and were completely oblivious to the spiritual battle raging inside of me.
I kept telling myself it just wasn't true. It couldn't be true, not me. It didn't happen to me. It's just something I made up. It didn't really happen! It couldn't have! But with every denial I knew deep down I was lieing to myself, then God ask me a question. It was THE question, the now or never question.
He asked me, "Is this worth the pain? I can take it away. Either you can come to me now, or go back to the misery and agony that you once were in."
In my heart and my mind I knew whatever my answer was would be forever. This had been the farthest this ugly truth had every managed to surface, and I knew if I put it back down I would never let it come back up again. I was given a choice and a chance in the moment to finally be free from it. To allow God to be with me even if all my fears came true. To allow him to carry me through and be with him again. I didn't know what to do...I sat there in all my state with a choice before me. I sat there, and I began to decide.
I held my hands folded infront of me in my lap, and then the speaker asked us all a question. If we were willing to stand for God, in every aspect of our lives. As he went on in his explanation, it felt like the final stab at my heart was complete. I'm not sure if it was for good or bad, but that one shock awoke me. It pressed upon me the importance of my decison. I began to weep. In front of everyone. I was so incredibly broken, and I didn't care if anyone else saw. I was so incredibly broken. I silently prayed without realizing it, but if this moment of vulnerability could be used to glorify the Lord then so be it! The speaker kept asking us. He kept repeating the question, and he said I don't want you to stand for the person next to you or for your friends or even because your known to be the "goody two-shoes". No! This is between you and God, and I don't want you to stand unless you absolutely mean it.
The speaker's question and God's question to me were infused. I heard God ask me, "Will you stand for me and allow me to make you into who I want you to be, or will you stay seated and defeated?" I began to argue with myself saying, if you do this you have to tell your parents. It's one or the other. If you keep it to yourself you stay seated and no one ever knows, but IF YOU STAND you have to tell them! It was now or never. I was crying so hard, but I don't think my best friend who was sitting next to me had quite noticed. With every second that passed it felt like a life time. My entire body was screaming to stand to finally let this all be done with, but my heart and my mind continued to wrestle. People around me began to notice me crying, but I didn't care. I kept telling myself I won't stand for them! I WON'T STAND FOR THEM! IF I DO IT WILL BE FOR ME!!! With every second I wished for him to be done with this question so I wouldn't have to stand, but then He said, "If you want to do this and stand for God every day and in every part of your life, stand for Him NOW!"
There was an awkward pause, and everyone began looking around to see who would stand. My group of friends are the "goody two-shoes" and everyone expected us to stand. My friend Anastasia, a boy named Logan, and few others stood one by one. People all over the auditorium began to notice my tears. It was the moment now or never. As my friends looked back and noticed my tears, she beckoned me to stand, but I remember she looked so sad, and she said, "Naomi" with her motioning hand, but I didn't look her. I was making my decision. I said to myself, "If I stand it's not for her. If I stand it will be for the LORD!"
I don't know how long it took me to make my decision, but I remember it felt like I was standing at the edge of a cliff, and I jumped!
When I stood, in that one glorious moment it felt like my heart had burst with joy! I cried bitterly happy tears. I couldn't talk, and I stood with the whole world watching. It was a wonderful moment and it felt like an important turning point in my life. I was completely different than the pathetic miserable defeated person I was literally just 1 second ago. I was standing for the Lord, and all the questions I had were gone. I had stood, and I prepared myself for what I had to tell my parents that night.

Since that moment God has not only called me to him, but has filled me with a glorious joy that defies description, and a strength that has brought me through the worst days and nights of my life.

A few weeks after this incredible moment of deliverance in my life, I was invited to a thing called "Breaking Free" at what is now my church. I had been invited for a few years, but I never had a chance to go. I aske my mom at short notice, but somehow we made it work and even though I showed up late my mom was really supportive. A little over a month, even before that wonderful moment, I had been looking for a church, and I had even thought about this one. But upon going to it one night I absolutely despised it and gave it possible the worst review ever, and now I can't believe I felt that way. Anyway, as the weeked went on I enjoyed the worship and the sermons, but again the last sermon by a man named Chris Brooks really spoke to me. He said if you hear the voice of God calling you listen to it and obey. Don't wait! Don't ask for your friends permission, don't wait on your parents, don't try to make yourself ready for him, don't delay! ANSWER HIM! He is calling you! The more time I spent with these people the more I felt called to join this church, and believe me it wasn't me who just thought oh I think I'll join cause I like these people, because as I said earlier I didn't really like them. It just seemed the more time I was around them, it felt like God was calling me to make this my church home. Like He had prepared me to come here.
The whole theme of the weekend was "Recalled"! Everything was lining up, God had definetly set things in motion exactly how He did whenever He sent me to my school. It was amazing! I knew that this was what He wanted to do, but when my mom picked me up after the weekend was over and I told her, "I think God wants me to join the church", she made up all these excuses about her being to tired during the week and how would I get there on wednesdays...etc. It felt like a knife had been stuck in my chest, because all I could think was, "This is my spiritual well-being my eternity here, and all you can say is your to tired to bring me?" I was beyond hurt, but I knew it would be hard for her and I accepted what she said. I had every intention of listening to what she said. After a few hours of rest, she took me back to the church for breaking free recap. It's a time when we can get up there and share our stories. I met this one woman on the way in to the little session, and she asked me about my weekend and how I liked it. She asked me if I was joining the church, and now that I think about it, it was a very odd question to ask, because others were asking if we were members or if we were here with someone not if we were joining the church, anyhoo. I told her that I had thought about it, but I didn't think so. I don't remember what she said, but it was very sweet sounding. I sat next to the girls I had met that weekend, and as the last spot was offered to the audience the girl next to me Kylee elbowed me to go tell some of the stories I had joked about all weekend. I asked her three times if she wanted me to do it, and she said yes. So I got up and took the mike and did it. I was so nervous I was shaking, but I went up there with a huge smile on my face and told the stories and everyone laughed. I think one more "act" went up and shared their stories, and then we all went into the big worship center for Sunday night worship and sermon. At the end the pastor thanked all of us who attended and simply stated that during the invitation if we wanted to make this our church home to come and do so, and that we'd be happy to have you. Suddenly, I felt that calling again, and eventhough I knew what my mother had told me I couldn't say no to the Lord. I walked up with trembling hands and joined the church. I don't remember if it was that woman I talked to or someone else, but I remember when they took me to the new members room where they took my picture and put me in their database and took all my information. All I could think was how am I going to explain this to my father. I thought he'd be the one to have a long explanation with and I thought my mom would be supportive because I had talked to her about it.
After all this was complete and J.J. came and said hi and welcomed me to the youth (he's the youth minister), as I was leaving the woman I had met earlier said she was so happy to see me join the church and that after she saw me on stage she had told J.J. that "We need her in this church". I hugged her and smiled and laughed, and walked back into that service as it was ending. I was so happy although my compadres weren't jumping for joy like I was at the time. I kept thinking how am I going to explain this to my dad. I don't remember all that happened between getting my stuff and meeting my ride outside, but I do remember feeling a little anxious as my DAD drove up and not my mother.
I got into the car and immediately blurted out that I'd joined the church. Surprisingly enough he was really supporitive, proud infact. He said he was glad that I had come to this decision on my own and that he knew that one day I would have to decide for myself to follow the Lord, but he kinda wished I had said something to him before hand. He was pretty chill about it, and I thought oh thank goodness I'm home free. All I have to do is tell my mom and I "knew" she'd be happy for me.
So you can imagine my surprise when I got home and told her her reaction wasn't joy or even contemplative. She was OUTRAGED! I've never seen her that furious and that passionate about something in my entire life.
I told her, "I joined the church".
She looked at me with a wild crazy look in her eye with almost rage, and said, "No you didn't! You can't".
I looked at her confused.
"Yes, I did....what do you mean I can't"?
"You can't, because your a member at calvary (my old church). You can't just leave. You have to ask for your membership to be transfered and you have to have recommendations....etc."
She went on for a while, and I was in complete shock! I had no idea all the politics involved in moving churches. Like some you churches requir like a recomendation, and a written paper on what kind of member you are and records of your baptism and if they don't have it you have to be baptized again, and others can reject your membership. It doesn't make sense. Since when does my spiritual nourishment come with restrictions?
I was so heart broken. My mom refused to believe it. She kept telling me," No your not a member! We have to give our consent. Your underage!" and all sort of stuff like that.
I told her, "They took my picture got my info and now I am a member."
She told me to go to my room, and when she called me down to supper she wouldn't even look at me.
You'd think my own mom would at least talk to me. My dad was okay with it, and I had expected her to understand and even be happy for me, and I was completely blindsided by this intense hatred. After I told them about the weekend they BOTH got mad at me for what Chris Brooks said. I remember they were mad at me, and then we just didn't talk about it anymore. I couldn't even ask my mom about taking me. I didn't go that first week. I had to ask about specific times and when everything was over and all sorts of stuff before she even thought about letting me. Week after week I had to wait after school before church started all alone just to be able to go. I couldn't be picked up cause my dad had work, and my mom didn't get off early enough to take me home to change. So I brought clothes and changed every wednesday. I hid out in the bathroom because technically the extended care couldn't let me out without someone signing me out. So I snuck away during the transition between study hall and extended care. I was so happy to be going to spend time with the Lord that I didn't even care how long I had to stay. The way my church works we have Bible study at 6:00pm to 6:30pm and then Lift(worship and service) from 7:00-8:05pm. For almost 3 months I was only allowed to go to Bible study, and I kept begging my mother to let me go to Lift. My old church only went to 7:30, so she wasn't exactly excited about it.
I remember every week I would be so happy so joyous walking out of church and as soon as I saw my mom she would yell at me about everything! She was so angry! Every week I would cry, and her anger didn't just last one night, no it lasted the end of the week. She would laugh she wouldn't smile or do anything happy when she saw me. It would take me 3 days to get her to talk to me instead of yelling at me, and by the time I did I had to bring up going to church again. It literally took me 2 days every week to convince her to let me go. So that's 5 days a week where she was just constantly mad. I was so sad and miserable when I was around her, but every week I'd still ask her because that one half hour with that fellowship was worth all that pain and loneliness. Eventhough I was spiritually starving week in and week out and eventhough it took a lot of strength out of me to get to and from that spiritual meal I still fought for it. My mother finally allowed me to go to Lift near the end of the school year, but the summer was coming. Although I was happy to be out of school, i was getting weary. I was tired of being spiritually whipped every week, and I'm sad to say I didn't press the issue in the summer. Eventhough I had the worst day of my life at that point on my 16th birthday. My father shoved me. I had "mouthed off" and he shoved me. I was so scared when he did that and my mom didn't even care. I remember when I walked out of the computer room crying she looked at me like I deserved it. I went upstairs and cried my eyes out. I didn't eat for a few days, and I was so sad. (but a few weeks later my friend faith threw me a Surprise Birthday Party and it was the best day of my life so far. I was so happy to see them, and to feel their love for me. No one had ever done anything like that for me before, and it couldn't have come at a better time.)
The "abuse" from my mom continued over the weeks, and I'm sad to say I didn't take it well. I started becoming "rebelious" in my parents eyes. The hardest day of my life(in that point of my life) came when I "lied" to my dad. I'll post that story. I can't relive it again. It's called "HOLD MY HEART". It'll be the next post.
After that was relenquished by the wondorous power of God, my life continued. My mom wasn't as mad with me. She still hated me going, but she wasn't as mean about it. I could actually go to church and not go to bed that night crying. I started asking her to let me go to church on Sunday. I couldn't believe it had almost been a year since my turning point. She let me go after a lot of begging. I only got to go to sunday school, but it was worth it. I didn't go for a few weeks after that, but then I started going on a regular basis. In the middle of basketball season, the worst night of my life to this date occurred. Three of the hardest days of my life happened in the course of the same year. They were even worse than the day I tried to commit scuicide or the days I can't even speak of. That's how monumental this day was in my life, and my parents don't even know it.
It was the day my father kicked me out of the house. I remember his exact words..."GET OUT OF MY HOUSE I'M THROUGH WITH YOU! I'M DONE! PACK YOUR THINGS CAUSE YOU AIN'T EVER COMING BACK!"
He kept repeating I'm through with you, I'm through with you. All because he woke we up out of a dead sleep, and told me to get ready we're going to grandma's and I answered him with I have pre-cal homework. I was just trying to let him know I had homework, and I had to yell because he was making so much noise. I remember pleading my case, because of the strange events surrounding the weekend. Usually I do all of my homework on Friday, but we had a late game that night, and then my mom took me to the reservation to pick up some checks, which is over two hours away, and then we visited her family up there. So I didn't have time that Friday or Saturday, and I had planned on doing it on Sunday, but my grandma lives over 4 hours away and I had a LOT of pre-cal to do. I remember after I explained to him I asked him, "can i stay?"
It was dead silent. I could hear the tv down stairs he was so quiet, and then that's when he exploded.
He said, "You have defied me for the LAST TIME. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!! I'M THROUGH WITH YOU!!! I'M DONE!!! GET OUT!!! PACK YOUR THINGS AND GET OUT!!!"...and he continued like that for what seemed like forever. I couldn't breathe, it felt like my heart had skipped a beat. It was like everything stopped. Then I heard the most horrible blood curdling ear peircing wail, right after I heard my father say "I'M DONE!!" It took me a few moments to realize it was me. I was screaming my head off and my lungs out, tears flowed like a literal waterfall down my face, but I felt nothing. My body was responding, but it was like I was on the outside looking in. It was the wreirdest experience of my life. As my wails finally calmed down to horrible sobs, I grabbed my cell phone and texted my friend Anastasia and my youth minister J.J. It was a Sunday in the middle of the afternoon, and both probably hadn't been expecting anything like this. I remember typing to both of them, "My dad just kicked me out I don't know what to do...what do I do?"
My heart was shattered and my hands trembled as i typed. Anastasia, texted me and said, "Your not kidding are you?"
and J.J. asked if I had a place to stay, and what I was doing. I was so scared. I got a small orange bag that read "corner child care", and filled it with my journal, a picture of my basketball team, a medal I had gotten for "best shooter" at a basketbal camp, some female toiletrees I had in my room and my Bible, and I faced the door. I was ready to leave my room and face the horrible fight raging between my parents down stairs. Their screams were so loud, and I remeber thing and praying to the Lord in my room, "I don't want them anymore! They're yours! I don't want them!" I walked down stairs hoping my parents didn't noticed, and I remember wished that they had gone into their bedroom so I could slip away without them noticing. I went into the bathroom and got my toothpaste and toothbrush, deodorant and prepared for the hardest walk of my life to the door. I remember as I was packing in my room and even then how what had been mine just a few minutes before was no longer mine. I remember having to decided in one moment what was important and what was irrelevant. The most precious thing I owned was my Bible and the necklace my Coach had given me that read "Courage". I clutched it now, as I prepared to leave, and i left the hallway with my head down and began to walk towards my parents fighting in the kitchen. My father looked at me as my mom yelled back at him to not do this. I felt so weak and bruised standing in front of them. I just wanted to leave. I felt unwanted and I didn't want to be there. My mom said, "Look at your daughter". I don't remember what my father said, but it was something along the lines of "what daughter? she doesn't treat me like her father...".I walked by him as I tried to leave and he yelled something like, "She wouldn't leave if she didn't want to."
I turned back and said, "I'm leaving because you told me too".
He gave me some crap about I don't really want you to leave, baby. I wanted to vomit when he said that. I was disgusted with my mother too, because they were so incredibly two-faced, and eventhough everything they were so oblivious to doing to me over the last year I didn't want to destroy their marraige. I didn't want to leave, but I couldn't be their burden anymore. I had told the Lord in my room, "You said, you'd never leave me nor forsake me, and that I shouldn't worry because you'd provide food and clothing and everything I'd need. Well, I'm getting ready to collect and i'm going to need a LOT of help to get through this, but I know you'll be there."
As I stood infront of my parents and slowly made my way to the door, i just wanted to get out of this place and into the fresh air. I got as far as the front door, and opened it when my mom shut it in my face and said,"your not leaving. I'm not letting you do this. (to my father) you'll regret it later."
I pushed and shoved my mom out of the way, but she's a lot stronger than she looks and I knew if she didn't want me to leave I wasn't getting past her. I was so broken I could barely stand, and my eyes were drenched in tears that I could barely see. I felt like I was dying, like I had lost my parents. Like everything I had every known was dead and I just wanted to get out! I didn't want to be where I wasn't wanted, but my mother sat me and my father down and made us talk. He wouldn't listen to me, just kept going on with the I love you and don't want you to go, but whatever...
I told him if he didn't want me to go why did he tell me to leave? If he loved me and didn't want me to go why did he say he was through with me? He made up something about it was tough love and he was trying to wake me up, but I told him all it did was put fears into my head and heart that had plagued me all of my life. Everytime he got mad I thought he'd kick me out.
We continued to argue and debate different points, and he still wouldn't listen. My mom told him, "You're not listening to our daughter. We have a daughter in pain and she's trying to cry out for help and your not listening."
He said, "So your taking her side? Your my wife..."
I got up. I couldn't be the reason they broke up! I couldn't screw that up too. I had to leave, but my mom pleaded with my dad as she stood in my way. She sat me back down, and I started debating with my father again. How much he meant to me, that I couldn't be the reason they broke up. That I had prayed harder about that than anything else in my life. I would leave before I saw that happen, before I was the reason. I poured out my heart telling him, that I had made a promise a long time ago to NEVER run away because they deserved more than that. That I had vowed to God that I would never try and kill myself again. I told my dad without him I'd probably be dead, and it was then he finally listened. i had broken my father, and now he stood before me weeping. I couldn't believe it. I had felt through the whole argument that I was right, and I hated it. I had brought my father to his knees just by telling him the truth about how much he impacts my life. He hugged me and left me to go to his room. I went upstairs and put my things down, and my mom cooked lunched. I didn't see my father the rest of the day, and I stayed in my room for most of it.
It was over. But eventhough I never made it out the door everything changed. For the rest of the week I was numb. I couldn't feel anything. I laughed. I smiled. But I couldn't feel anything. I had cried so hard that my face bore the signs for almost three days. I went about the days carrying the weight of what had happened, and I dreaded the coming weekend alone with my parents. But as God would have it, that weekend was Breaking Free, and after the best game I've ever played i Beamount my mother drove me to Breaking Free. I met my friend Jessica and we went to the girl's house to enjoy the activities together, and that weekend as God would have it I met someone who helped to change my life and he doesn't even know it. I had seen him that first night...and again the next day. I had a funny little mix up with his name, and after the weekend I added him on facebook. As I always do I surf through the people-I-add's profiles. I saw the pictures of his huge family and him having the time of their lives. I remember when I saw them, how I felt. It was a bittersweet mixture of emotions, because I wanted that and I was sad that I didn't. That moment I saw him with his family I made a decision to be determined to work for that with my family that I wouldn't give up on them. That if I was ever kicked out again I wouldn't leave because my family deserved that much. I was determined to strive for that! He helped to change my life just by adding me on facebook, and I don't think he has any idea how much he means to me. I care about him deeply because of that moment oddly enough, and I have become quite protective of him. He is such a great person, that I found my admiration for him was overflowing in every converstation I had for almost two months. Now I feel incredibly silly for all of that, but he still means a great deal to me, and he kinda marks another turning point in my life. How weird/special is that?
Wouldn't it be amazing to be someone's turning point in life just for knowing them? Anyway...the weeks after being kicked out were hard. I even wrote an incredibly long poem called, "Is it wrong to year for heaven Lord?" on my way to basketball practice, although it was oral and I don't remember most of it. I was completley changed in that one moment. It made me realize that this world is NOT my home, and I have never felt at home here ever since. I constantly yearn for heaven, and it made me realize also how short life is. I'm 17 and I feel like i've wasted so much time. I want to fulfill my calling and love God with everything I do, and I can't thank him enough for what he's done for me my whole life and even this past year. I've never felt closer to him, and I don't think i've loved him this much ever! He is my all, my everything, my A to Z, and I hope you know him too!
The song, "Bring the Rain" is kinda my favorite song to sing during worship! It's so amazing, and I love the Lord so much.

Anyway, the whole point of this blog was to ask you to pray for me because tonight I'm going to talk to my mother about some stuff about her hatred of my church and to tell her how serious I am about following the Lord, and that I want her support. I know the price that comes with following him. It means giving my life to him. My hopes, my dreams, my family, my wants and desires, my fears, and that's what I want, but i realize that my hopes and dreams are not my own. that my parents have wanted things like that for me my whole life. So as you can imagine it's not going to be easy.

Anyway, I challenged you to Write a blog about what God has done for you. Good or bad. Trials or Triumphs. It's a wonderful thing to think about what God has done for you even if it's as small as getting a cheese dip jar open. God answers prayers no matter how small!