HOLD MY HEART

Alright so here is the long awaited publication of this onto this blog...just kidding no one cares if I post this. But it goes smack dab in the middle of my last post where I mention it. I wrote this a while back on my other blog, and it's extremely emotional for me. I can't even bring myself to read it again. If you wonder why I love tenth avenue north so much and you have a lot of spare time go ahead and read it. It's long and ugly, so be prepared.



A few weeks ago, I had one of the hardest moments of my life both emotionally and spiritually. I have had "worse" things happen to me in my life, but because this involved my parents and their anger towards me and my decision to join a new church, it grew to be one of the hardest nights of my life.

The day had started like any other. I was running around getting ready for school and running around trying to find my jersey for the basketball team pictures later on that day. My mother told me to tell my dad whether or not we had practice just in case the pictures run long. I didn't know that she had already told him our practice ended at 6.
I went about my day as normal until we got to practice. The rest of the girls didn't know if we had practice either, but after our pictures we learned we had practice until 5 because the junior high had a game. When our coach got to the gym he decided to hold us over until 6. No big deal, because that was what practice was supposed to end.
Well, I called my dad to let him know we just got out of practice. He got all upset cause he wasn't there yet, being stuck in traffic and all that drama. (My dad is a little melodramatic.) It just so happened that night was a Drama Production and I had really wanted to go. I asked him if I could, and he got really upset with me telling me that I should have told him before so that he would have to get up. I explained to him we weren't sure that we had practice or not, because we had pictures and that junior high had a game.
He went off on me. Calling me a liar, because my mother had already told him we had practice till 6. Yelling at me that I had known all day that we had practice, but didn't care enough to call and ask earlier. I kept telling him that I hadn't known. Picture days are always different and that with the junior high game we didn't have the gym. He kept insisting and screaming at me that I was lying. I was trying not to make a scene because I was on the phone, but I was on the verge of tears. How could keep telling me I was a liar? I was telling the truth and he wasn't listening. I should have known to stop talking. I was just digging me a deeper whole, but it was breaking my heart that he didn't believe me. He started bashing me. Telling me, "YOU'RE A LIAR!!! I KNOW HOW YOU TREAT YOUR MOTHER!! YOU MAY GET AWAY WITH LYING WITH HER, BUT NOT WITH ME." He kept on like that for what felt like a lifetime. Somehow, I can't even remember how, but he got so mad that he pulled me out of basketball. He literally, went to my coach and told me that I was no longer going to be a part of this team.
It took everything I could just to stay standing. My heart was broken and it was beginning to shatter. I walked into the bathroom before we left to wipe my eyes before the tears began to flow, and I prayed to the Lord. "Lord, I don't know why this is happening, but if you want me to go through this, then I'm going to need your help. There is no way I can make it through this night on my own."
My father was so angry, and I knew if I started crying it would only make things worse. What could I do? I just kept praying to the Lord for my father not to push the subject. Just let him cool off on the ride home, but that wasn't the Lord's plan. He was using that moment, that conversation to put to rest other things that had been weighing my heart down. I had to go through the fire before I could feel any peace. Let me tell you right now, the next few hours after I closed that car door changed my entire outlook. Everything I went through was worth it in the end because God moved. He moved my parents hearts. He was starting to open a door they had not realized had closed and I was his tool. Believe me it was hard, but I just kept thinking about that song I had prayed so many times.
"When the whole world turns against me,
and I'm all by myself,
and I can't hear You answer my cries for help.
I'll remember the suffering your Love put You through.
And I WILL go through the FIRE if You want me to."

Once I had gotten into the car my father continued with his argument. Asking me, "WHY??? WHY DO TREAT ME AND YOUR MOTHER THIS WAY?? HUH? WHY DO YOU TREAT US LIKE WE'RE STUPID? WHY DO YOU CONSTANTLY LIE TO US? WHY? JUST ANSWER ME THAT?"
All I could mutter was, "I'm not lying. I'm telling you the truth."
That threw him into a raged. He kept yelling and I curled up into a ball against the side of the door. I was to afraid of his anger to even look at him. The tears were flowing now.
I asked him, "Why don't you believe me?"
"Your mother already told me that you had practice till 6.
I said, "It's picture day. Picture days are always different."
"YOU KNOW I WOULD BELIEVE THAT IF YOUR MOTHER WOULDN'T HAVE TOLD ME ALREADY THAT YOU HAD PRACTICE TILL 6. YA SEE, THAT'S HOW I KNOW YOUR LYING! STOP LYING TO ME."
"I'm not."
I continued to explain, but my explanation had fallen on deaf ears. I knew I should have been quiet, but I was tired of him calling me a liar. I wasn't lying. I kept telling him the truth, but he wouldn't listen. When he hit the dashboard it took every single part of my Will to keep me in that car. We were still parked, and every cell in my body wanted to run.
He kept bashing other parts of my life.
"Why do you treat us like we're STUPID! DO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?! HUH? CAUSE IF YOU DO, I PUT YOU OUT THERE ON THE STREETS where you can KNOW AND DO EVERYTHING ON YOUR OWN! IF THAT WHAT YOU WANT? CAUSE I HAVE NO PROBLEM DOING THAT! YOU THINK I NEED THIS KIND OF STRESS. Cause i don't. I can pull you out of this school, MAKE MY LIFE A WHOLE LOT EASIER."
I couldn't answer him. If I did I'd end up never seeing my parents ever again. I wanted to take him up on his offer to put me out on the streets. I'd do anything just to make him happy. If I was such a burden it would be better for me to go live on the street and die alone without hurting anybody else, but I had promised myself that I would never run away. Never. No matter how bad things got, I would stay and tough it out because I at least owed my parents that much, so I dismissed that thought quickly.
He continued to list off all my indiscretions. I knew he was right, and I stupidly said, "I know."
"YOU KNOW?"
"I MEAN...I MEAN YOU'RE RIGHT! I DO THOSE THINGS, AND I SHOULDN'T, " I scrambled to correct my wording his anger was boiling and I was stroking the flames.
Not to long after that my father and I were on the road. Heading home. I kept begging the Lord to let us make it home in one piece. I begged him to save one piece of my heart because I knew it was only going to get worse. I was weeping and my head hurt so bad. I could barely see and my chest hurt from crying.
My father looked at my deportment and snickered, "You sure got your act down pack. If I didn't already know any better I'd believe those tears were real, but ya see I'm smarter than that."
That one cold statement froze the pieces of my heart left. I couldn't believe he could ever say something like that. He didn't believe anything about me. He didn't know anything about me. He thought he did, but he didn't. I was, am different from who I was. How could he sit there and judge me on what I used to be. What I still struggled to overcome. The difference between who I was and who I am was that I cared. And the Evil Once was using who I had been to try and destroy what I was becoming. I felt a whole ripping inside of my chest.
My father brought up again who I had treated my mom. I knew he was right. I treated her horribly. With such disdain and disrespect. My heart hurt even worse now. Not for what my father had said necessarily, but because I knew it was true. I had tried to change that months before, but circumstance would influence my efforts. My mother was angry. Some of the things she had said to me before I knew weren't true, but they still hurt. Leaving little tears here and there in my heart, making it easier to shatter on this long ride home. They were horrible things. My mother had told me more than once before that "I was the reason people killed themselves, why innocent babies die at birth and why we have war in this country." All because of me.
I tried to tell him, I was trying, but he wouldn't listen. I tried to be gentle. Telling him that my mom had said and done things that caused me to react. I told him I knew that I shouldn't have reacted those ways, but I did.
He wouldn't have that. Me, accusing my mother of wrong-doing when it was so "clearly obvious that I was the reason she had said those things". I caused it all.
I had been through that statement before, and I knew it wasn't true. God had showed me that not everything can be caused by one person alone. It couldn't have all been me. I can't/don't hold that much power.
I held on to that truth for dear life. It was all I had, and the Lord had already given it to me, possibly for this moment. My father still wouldn't listen. So I told him some of the things my mother had said.
I had never seen my father that angry. He probably turned purple, but the road we were on was dark with no street lights, sparing me from his entire reaction.
He screamed, "THAT'S A BOLD FACE LIE! THAT'S A BOLD FACE LIE!" hitting the dash as hard as he could, literally yelling at the top of his lungs. With ever strike against the car and moved closer and closer to the door. I was scared. I was afraid he was going to hit me. I prayed to the Lord to help my father keep his promise to Him. (My father had promised to God that once he had gotten married and had kids, he would do what his father did. Beat his children. He vowed to never lay his had on any one of us.) I knew my father would never purposely hit me, but I know all to well what anger can do to a person. I used to be that angry. I prayed to the Lord to calm him so that he wouldn't do something that he would regret, because that alone would destroy him. If he ever let himself get to that place that would kill him before any earthly thing could touch him. I prayed hard for my father. I was tired of hurting my parents, and I didn't want to be the reason he lost control.
My father continued to scream, but he no longer hit the dash and I could tell he was becoming as weary as I was.
"YOUR MOTHER WOULD NEVER SAY ANYTHING LIKE THAT TO YOU! SHE LOVES YOU! SHE WOULD DIE FOR YOU...SHE ALMOST DID DIE FOR YOU!"
I couldn't believe he'd said that. If there was any part of my heart unbroken it was shattered with that statement. After the shock settled, and I realized he'd really said it. I knew how angry I had made him, and then I was angry. Not with him, but with myself. My father would not have normally said that and I couldn't believe he really had. New tears flowed. No longer tears of fear or anger, but of sorrow.
My father had really lost that much faith in me that he would stoop that low in order to hurt me enough that I would back down.
(You see, my mother had a hard labor with me. I almost killed her. Once I was born she started to bleed out, and she had to get a hysterectomy. I'm the reason she can't have anymore children, and that has always bothered me. It's the deepest possible hurt I have concerning my parents. If one thing would have gone wrong I wouldn't have had a mother, and my life would be completely different.)
We both remained silent the rest of the ride home. We were both exhausted, and I was hurt beyond repair (so I thought).
My mother happened to call, and I had thought it was over but my father explained to her that we all had some serious talking to do.

I was so tired. I went up into my room. I couldn't feel anything but pain. I prayed hard to the Lord. I cried my eyes out, but before I did anything else I put in a new CD my mother had bought me and it was in those lyrics I found my heart's song to the Lord and His response.
The first song I prayed hard was called "Hold My Heart":

"How long must I pray
Must I pray to you?
How long must I wait,
Must I wait for you?
How long till I see your face,
See you shining through?

I'm on my knees
Begging you to notice me.
I'm on my knees
Father will you turn to me.

ONE TEAR IN THE DRIVING RAIN
ONE VOICE IN A SEA OF PAIN
COULD THE MAKER OF THE STARS
HEAR THE SOUND OF MY BREAKING HEART
ONE LIFE, THAT'S ALL I AM
RIGHT NOW I CAN BARELY STAND
IF YOU'RE EVERYTHING YOU SAY YOU ARE
WOULD YOU COME CLOSE
AND HOLD MY HEART

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why

I'M ON MY KNEES
BEGGING YOU TO TURN TO ME
I'M ON MY KNEES
FATHER WILL YOU RUN TO ME

ONE TEAR IN THE DRIVING RAIN
ONE VOICE IN A SEA OF PAIN
COULD THE MAKER OF THE STARS
HEAR THE SOUND OF MY BREAKING HEART
ONE LIFE, THAT'S ALL I AM
RIGHT NOW I CAN BARELY STAND
IF YOU'RE EVERYTHING YOU SAY YOU ARE
WOULD YOU COME CLOSE
AND HOLD MY HEART

So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear you call my name
To hear you call my name

ONE TEAR IN THE DRIVING RAIN
ONE VOICE IN A SEA OF PAIN
COULD THE MAKER OF THE STARS
HEAR THE SOUND OF MY BREAKING HEART
ONE LIFE, THAT'S ALL I AM
RIGHT NOW I CAN BARELY STAND
IF YOU'RE EVERYTHING YOU SAY YOU ARE
WOULD YOU COME CLOSE
AND HOLD MY HEART

HOLD MY HEART
WOULD YOU HOLD MY HEART
HOLD MY HEART?"

I cried and screamed and prayed this song at the top of my lungs. Over and over again I prayed that chorus. I was pouring my heart out to him, begging to hear me and calm my parents. To let them understand. In the midst of my praying I tried to believe what my father had told me. That I was a liar. I tried so hard to believe that what I was saying was a lie. That my mother never had really said those things that I made them up. That it really was my fault, but the Lord wouldn't let me. He kept whispering "It's the truth. Believe the truth."
Then the next song on the album played and the first part of it really gave me comfort.
It's called "Times"
"I know I need You
I need to love You
I'd love to see You but it's been so long

I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
I need to hear You
Is that so wrong?
(I was telling him how I felt with those lyrics. That I really did need his help, even through those trial. If he wanted me to go through them I'd need him right there.)

Now You pull me near You
When we're close I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You all that I've done

Are you done forgiving?
Can You look past my pretending?
I'm so tired of defending what I've become
What have I become?

But I hear you Say
MY LOVE IS OVER
IT'S UNDERNEATH
IT'S INSIDE
AND IN BETWEEN

The times you doubt me
And when you can't feel
The times you question
Is this for real?


The times that you're broken
The times that you mend
The times you hate me
And the times that you bend

MY LOVE IS OVER
IT'S UNDERNEATH
IT'S INSIDE
AND IN BETWEEN

The times that you're healing
And when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen
from grace

The times that you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal

In times of confusion
In chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame

I'm there in your heart-ache
I'm there through the storm
My love I will keep you by my power alone

I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends
It never ends”

This song really helped me calm my spirit, and the next song that came on. Touched my heart, and when it was over I realized my heart that I thought was broken beyond repair was whole again.

IT's called "Beloved"
I like to call it "God's love song to us"

"Love of my Life
Look deep in My eyes
There you will find what you need

Give me your life
The lust and the lies
And the past your afraid I might see
You've been running away from me

YOU'RE MY BELOVED LOVER
I'M YOURS
DEATH SHALL NOT PART US
IT'S YOU I DIED FOR
FOR BETTER OR WORSE
FOREVER WE'LL BE
MY LOVE IT UNITES US AND IT BINDS YOU TO ME
IT'S A MYSTERY

Love of my Life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need

I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Come running home to me

YOU'RE MY BELOVED LOVER
I'M YOURS
DEATH SHALL NOT PART US
IT'S YOU I DIED FOR
FOR BETTER OR WORSE
FOREVER WE'LL BE
MY LOVE IT UNITES US AND IT BINDS YOU TO ME
IT'S A MYSTERY

You've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers that won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips and you'll taste new life

YOU'RE MY BELOVED LOVER
I'M YOURS
DEATH SHALL NOT PART US
IT'S YOU I DIED FOR
FOR BETTER OR WORSE
FOREVER WE'LL BE
MY LOVE IT UNITES US AND IT BINDS YOU TO ME
IT'S A MYSTERY"

After I had poured my soul out to the Lord for what was an hour and a half, I turned to my Bible, and immediately I found this scripture.

PSALM 31:

"1 In you, O LORD, do I take refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
in your righteousness deliver me! 2Incline your ear to me;
rescue me speedily! Be a rock of refuge for me,
a strong fortress to save me!
3For you are my rock and my fortress;
and for your name’s sake you lead me and guide me; 4you take me out of the net they have hidden for me,
for you are my refuge. 5Into your hand I commit my spirit;
you have redeemed me, O LORD, faithful God.
6 I hate those who pay regard to worthless idols,
but I trust in the LORD. 7I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
because you have seen my affliction;
you have known the distress of my soul, 8and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;
you have set my feet in a broad place.
9Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also. 10For my life is spent with sorrow,
and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my iniquity,
and my bones waste away.
11Because of all my adversaries I have become a reproach,
especially to my neighbors, and an object of dread to my acquaintances;
those who see me in the street flee from me. 12I have been forgotten like one who is dead;
I have become like a broken vessel. 13For I hear the whispering of many—
terror on every side!— as they scheme together against me,
as they plot to take my life.
14But I trust in you, O LORD;
I say, "You are my God." 15My times are in your hand;
rescue me from the hand of my enemies and from my persecutors! 16 Make your face shine on your servant;
save me in your steadfast love! 17O LORD, let me not be put to shame,
for I call upon you; let the wicked be put to shame;
let them go silently to Sheol. 18Let the lying lips be mute,
which speak insolently against the righteous
in pride and contempt.
19Oh, how abundant is your goodness,
which you have stored up for those who fear you and worked for those who take refuge in you,
in the sight of the children of mankind! 20Inthe cover of your presence you hide them
from the plots of men; you store them in your shelter
from the strife of tongues.
21Blessed be the LORD,
for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me
when I was in a besieged city. 22I had said in my alarm,
"I am cut off from your sight."But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy
when I cried to you for help.
23Love the LORD, all you his saints!
The LORD preserves the faithful
but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride. 24 Be strong, and let your heart take courage,
all you who wait for the LORD!”

After reading this I prayed one final time letting the Lord know that I knew he would be with me when I went to go talk to my parents, and that I would wait on him to "save me in his steadfast love" and help heal this hurt between me and my parents.
After praying, I put down my Bible and I let the music play. I started my homework and waited for my parents to call me. When my father came to knock on my door this one song just happened to be playing. It gave me hope and kinda made me laugh. Only God has this kinda timing.

"By Your side":

"Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love?
Tell me why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?

CAUSE I'LL BE BY YOUR SIDE WHEREVER YOU FALL
IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT WHEREVER YOU CALL
PLEASE DON'T FIGHT THESE HANDS THAT ARE HOLDING YOU
MY HANDS ARE HOLDING YOU"

No one out there can hear those lyrics as you go to face the storm and not take heart.

The next following moments were the most miraculous moments of my 16 years. My father was no longer angry. My mother and father had talked for the 2 hours I was in my room. The Lord had moved mountains. I was in awe of God and his power. As we sat there we began to talk. My parents apologized to me for not believing me and for the things they had said. I apologized for my end because I was a major contributor to the trouble. I couldn't help but feel joy on the inside. My heart felt like it was stitched up and already beginning the process of healing. God could have completely taken that hurting feeling away, but I think he wanted me to remember that feeling so that it would inspire me to change my ways. To remind me of what he had done and what he could do.

When my father apologized for calling me a liar, it was like my heart opened inside my chest. I felt it bursting inside. I was so happy and overjoyed. He had faith in me again, and I was determined to keep it. I never wanted my father to ever lose that much faith in me again.
“The long night was over and gone. I thought once this dark would last for so long, but I feel the sunlight on my face. [He] has brought me to this place. Jesus, You found me. Through the long night and you set me free.” (Barlow Girl)

The next day I still bore the effects on my face. My face was pale from the stress, my eyes were swollen and tired from the crying my head still ached, but on my face I wore a smile. The Lord had restored my parent’s and mine relationship. I had more joy in my heart then I had had in a really long time, and I’m proud to say that it has continued to this day and will. I may get angry. I may get sad, but I will always have this to remember when God was good to me, and how good he will remain.

Our God is an Awesome God. He is wonderful and powerful. He will protect his children, and he is worth following. He has done more for me than most people may see in a lifetime, and I have my life to thank him with. It’s all I have in this work, but for him it’s enough.