Realm of Possibilities

So, I’m coming to the end of my Senior year of high school, and I find myself feeling excited and extremely scared. Well, scared isn’t the correct word. I guess Anxious would be more exact. It’s like I’m at the precipice of complete freedom and ready to jump, but something is keeping me safe on the ground.

Which is cool and everything, I mean who wants to jump off a cliff and hit the ground, but maybe, just maybe I have a glider on my back and if i jump I could experience what it means to fly. Is it worth the jump?

Sometimes I want complete freedom. The freedom to make my own decisions, to live like I want to live, to go out and reach all my goals, but something keeps me back. it’s not the fear of the responsibilities like most adults think it is. I have no problem taking those on. I think it’s the fear of the unknown. No…

I guess it’s like that quote that everyone loves to put in movies. “Your biggest fear isn’t the fear of being inadequate, but that you are more powerful beyond measure.”

I’d say for that’s a big yes. Not to sound cocky, but I have been given many “gifts”. I’m talented in almost everything I do, so when people give me the advice of, “find something you love to do and go for it” doesn’t really help me. Cause, like any other normal human being you love to do what your good at.

Like, I’m not just “good” at things I excel at them. So, if I’m good in so many things what do I do? Yeah, I know, “Poor you, Miss I have more talent than I know what to do with. I feel really sorry for you.”

I know. I’ve heard it all before, but honestly I wish I knew which thing to pick. Because I enjoy doing all those things, but I don’t “love” any one of them.

My youth pastor asked us the other day, “When you think of one thing that is your thing, what is it? When other people look at you, what do they say is the thing you do?”

Well, depending on what other people know me for, they give me different answers. My parents say music. My friends say videos/film. Others say basketball. Teachers say writing.  People I meet say I’m really funny, like stand up comic funny. It just depends. So, where’s my place in this world? I’m good at so many things, it’s like if I wasn’t good at anything. I wouldn’t know where I’d stand.

I’m not wanting to lose my “gifts”, nor do I want to find the ONE thing I can do for the rest of my life. I want to know why I was given all these talents and gifts, and what God wants me to do with all of them. There has got to be a reason.

Recently I made the decision to follow after God in the form of missions. Now, I don’t know if that means becoming a Missionary that travels the world, or a missionary to the people I’m around. Either way, it was just a declaration of giving my life completely to God. Every day of my life. Every thought. Every action. EVERTHING.

It’s funny. Nothing has “changed” per say. i mean, I’m not in a new city. I’m not in a foreign country. I’m not even out of high school. so superficially it seems that nothing has changed, but with that one action EVERYTHING has changed.

I feel like I opened the door of my life to God, and He’s leading me toward the precipice and not given me a glider but wings.

So, why do I feel stuck? I don’t know. I guess it’s the final countdown. He’s letting me finish what I’ve started here in this house, in this school, in this state of mind, and He’s getting me ready to let go.

Let go of all my doubts, and worries. All my anxious thoughts, all of my cares and desires. Everything. So, He can give me everything I’ve ever wanted.

I don’t know if that means marriage, or graduating from college. I have no clue, but I’m sure whatever it turns out to be it’ll be beyond my wildest dreams.

I can imagine what my life will be like 5 years from now, but I don’t see the accomplishments or my personal victories. When I see “myself” 5 years from now, I don’t see ME. I see Him. I see Him in every aspect of my life. I see Him in my heart, mind, soul. I see Him in every word, action, smile. I see myself talking to Him about everything. All my wants and needs.  I see Him leading me to the Man I will marry. I see myself trusting Him even if I don’t ever get married. I see myself doing His work. I see myself dying for Him, happily joyously. I see myself seeing Him. That’s what I see.

It gets me excited. I want to jump now, but it’s not time. Not yet. It’s all in His good timing. I just have to be patient, and enjoy the ride of my lifetime.

True Fellowship!

So, it's been a little while since I've written on here. Mainly because school has just begun and volleyball has commenced taking up my computer time so I will now write on here on the weekends. That's when I'll write about whatever happened over the previous week or any particular strikes of inspiration.

I read a friend's blog yesterday and it moved me. The circumstances, well the happenstance of the music that was playing while I read it was absolutely miraculous. If you haven't checked out my friend Haley on Youtube go look her up. Type Haley&Delaney or the channel name thehaleyshaw. She's one of the most amzing people I have ever met. The particular song I'm talking about is called "Te amo". It's one of the best songs I've ever heard. It always moves me. Anyway I was reading my friend's blog, and as I read it I was moved almost to tears. Because the words I was reading corresponded to the heartfelt lyrics of the song, but the part that really got me was when my friend happened to mention me. She didn't say my name, but she mentioned a conversation that we had had. The realization was incredible. Here was my friend, my "dear friend" pouring out her heart in a blog about what the Lord has done for her, and she counted me as one of her many blessings. I can't help but be moved. In ways I haven't even imagined God has used me. Ways that I don't even recognize. He has used me even in all my state. God is AMAZING!!! It really is amazing the power of just loving someone in one converstion, in one word, in one hug (=]) in one moment. I thank god for putting me in her life, and hers in mine. For almost a year I went to my church, despite angry/disapproving parents, all alone, and then He gave me one of the best friends I've ever had. It's amazing. I almost can't remember going there without her. All the saddness, all the grief, all the pain, all the memories of the lonely hours all alone in that huge building or the tears I cried almost every week having to leave it without anyone to share my joy have all faded away. God gave me her to help me cope with all this parental drama, and to encourage me. AND boy is she an encouragement! She has helped to tear down the rest of my own "Berlin Walls" in my life. She has helped me (even if she can't believe it) to open up more to people. Maybe not in speech or in deed, but in relationships. She was the first person I didn't torture at the start of our friendship. My anger, my rage and all that other baggage was subsided when God put her in my life, and all with one phrase, "Hello, love!"
She may not say that anymore, but that one term of endearment disarmed me and her gentle loving spirit helped to mend things in my life that, even I (the over annalytical one who can figure out the deepest meanings of life and circumstance...hahaha!) until now hadn't realized.
She is an amazing person! God has brought her so far even just in the last 7 months. I can't even belive its only been that long since our friendship started to bloom. I can't imagine not standing side by side with her in the presence of the Almighty lifting our voices in songs of praise and worship! I can't!
I thank Him for every shy, intreverted (though, it is no longer!), hurting, aching, loving, compassionate, kind, gentle, incredibly human part of her because even with all her weaknesses and all of mine, even with all our wonderful God-given strengths, even with all our baggage from our broken or disfunctional families and all our doubts, worries, fears and sadness God has changed us! He has Loved us, and He will USE us! I know now, without a shadow of a doubt and I want to make it known to her and the world (because I don't think I've told her yet) that I love her and I would die for her! I love ya Jessica!
This 7 months of friendship has been some of the sweetest moments of my twisted traumatic wonderfully broken life, and i thank God for you!