Meant to Live

We are meant for so much more than our just our lives. I often find myself caught up in "living life" that I forget that I'm not meant for this world that nothing in this world is worth living for. I get caught up in wanting to fit it, in wanting to be able to say the right thing, to not be looked upon like a freak for thinking of things that few or no one ever thinks about. I get caught up in my dreams and aspirations that I'm sure if I really wanted them and asked God for them he could bless me with, but then I think what is my REAL purpose?
I mean, yeah, I could got and do all those things that I want to do. There's nothing unholy about them if I kept God the focus of them, but would it have the same impact as what God wants for me. Ever since I was little it has been abundantly clear to me that I was made for something important. We all are, but for me it just seemed like more of a reality. It was brought to my attention if you will. It possessed my thoughts and prayers as a child. I just wanted to know what God wanted me to do so I could do it, and honestly there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that when God finally told me I would go and do it. But no that I'm older it's not so much that I don't want to do it, because I do. It's just that I still don't know what it is, and because I was so far from the Lord's will for so many years of my life I'm not as secure in knowing His voice. I also see things in my life that I could use toward glorifying my Lord, but I do realize that I am at a cross roads in my life. I'm only 17, but the decisions I make here impact the rest of my life. If I go to college I could miss my purpose. If i don't I could miss it. I'm surrounded by questions that I don't have the answer to. I don't want to miss out on what I've been blind to for the majority of my life.
I've come through a lot over the last year. Hearing the Voice of God and finally giving up something that has tormented me and plagued me for nearly 10 years of my life. Hearing His Voice and joining the church He called me to. Dealing with the outrage and denial of my family after joining said church. Struggling and fighting through the mental, spiritual and emotional anguish of seeing my parents not only despise but hate the place and people I have come to know and love. Surviving the threats of being thrown out on my own, the purple face of my angry father and the loss of abandonment when he finally kicked me out of my house. But most importantly, I have got to see the Hand of God move in my life so many times in this past year that I want Him to keep moving. I know it hurts, and that there are things that will bring me pain but I know it's not God whose hurting me. It's me! He has removed so much of me in this last year, and has replaced and repaired the emptiness with Himself. HOW CAN I BE EVEN LOOKED AT LET ALONE BE SO LOVED BY THE ALMIGHTY?! He continues to love me everyday, and I don't know how He does it. His ways are truly higher than our ways! He loves me! He is by very definition LOVE! I'm sitting here as I type crying because I am so moved. I LOVE HIM! more than any words could ever describe. Every time something broke down, crashed and burned He was there to fix it. All those nights I cried because of how my parents treated me after church, He was there with me. He made it worth all the pain and suffering just to get a glimpse of true fellowship with His children every Wednesday night. When I was facing a night on the street, He provided me with friends who literally fought over the next week who'd i'd stay with. He has surrounded me with His love and people who love me. I have never felt more safe inmy life then when I felt like I was going to lose everything. I never felt closer to Him until I literally said to Him, "You're all I need. You told me you'd be all I need and that you'd provide for me no matter what. I'm fixin to need a LOT of help Lord, but I'm ready and I love YOU!"
I was in so much pain, but I was still so excited to see what He'd do. I don't remember what the point of this blog was, but it turned out to be a mini testimony. This if you can believe it is only one year in my wonderfully touched story. I think the point of this blog was to say that were meant to live for somthing so much more than our lives. We get glimpses here and there that remind us of who and what were dealing with. This was just one of mine.


I hope and pray I learn what my purpose is. If your wondering about the same thing, then write me a comment about it. If you think/know what your purpose given to you by God is then PLEASE tell me! I want to know the ups, downs, pros, cons, joys and sorrows that come with continuously beholding and truly loving the Almighty! =]

Behind The Scenes

Okie Dokey! I wrote this passage a LONG time ago in like a 10 or 20 minute writing session. I was in my english class, and my teacher told us a writing exercise. You sit down at your desk you think of an idea, and you write somthing all in one sitting. Well, for some reason the idea of a school shooting was on my mind. I think it was because I dreamed of a girl shooting people at my school/church a few months before. (it really was one of the most terrifying nights of my life, especially because some of my dreams come true) Anyhoo, I got the urge to write, and when I finally sat down this is what happend. Well, close to this has been edited just a little bit, but still a really LONG time ago. I hope you enjoy it. It really feels close to my heart, and I have been told that the emotions feel quite real, so in the even that what I have been told is true. Strap yourself in! It's gonna be a bumpy ride.









Kim walked sluggishly down the hallway, bumping into people she had never met. Three years at this highschool, she should know most of them. They were people she walked past everyday. The same faces in the crowd, filled with worry about their grades or about trouble at home. Penelope had always been her crutch. She was the only friend she ever had since grade school. They had met in 4th grade. Kim had always been the outcast, but Penelope had been a shining light amongst the darkness. She was the only one who greeted Kim in their old school. She was the only one to take time out to care about her.
Those memories pierced Kim's heart like a double-edged sword. She fought back tears as she hurried to the girl's bathroom. The memory of screams flooded back into her mind. People were running, fighting for a way out. Kim slipped tossing her books across the floor as she fell to her knees, but it didn't stop those memories. The chaos in her mind began to increase with each passing second.
Kim reached for her neck. It wasn't there!
"NO!" whispered Kim.
She searched the floor frantically. Crawling and patting every square inch of the tile.
"The necklace, the necklace..." whispered Kim. "No, NO!"
Kim began to cry as she searched, "WHERE IS IT? no, no, no, no."
A boy came over to try to calm her down, but as soon as he touched her, the most horrible memory of all came flooding into her mind.
He had had a mask, but she would never forget that voice. He had grabbed her arm and flung her across the room knocking her head against the wall. She remembered the blood trickling down her face and the gun pointed at her. The thoughts of that day swirled inside her head, then she remembered the gunshot.
For a few seconds, her mind was a cold empty pit, but then Penelope's dead body flashed before her eyes. The intense emotion that flooded back was more than she could handle.
Kim snapped back into reality to the words of the boy, "It's ok. Calm down."
Kim's eyes were dull and cold, her face was pale. The boy reached for her arm again, but she moved and pushed herself against the wall.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!!!!" she screamed. "NO! LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Kim pulled herself into a tight ball as she tried to block out those horrible memories, but the images kept flashing before her eyes.
Teachers came running into the hallway trying to calm the frantic student.
Then a young man came running down the hallway. He pushed his way through the crowd that had formed. He grabbed her hand and pushed something into them.
Kim's scream caught in her throat. The feel of the cool metal in her hands brought back the tears, but it had stopped her screams. She opened her hands to find the necklace. The beautiful silver flashed in the sunlight. She clutched it next to her heart as the nurse gently coaxed her off the floor.
Before she walked off she turned and whispered, "Thank you, Rueben."
He nodded his head to her as she walked off.
Rueben had been down the hallway when he had heard her scream. Immediately he knew it was the necklace. It was the only thing she had that tied her back to reality. Without it the horrifying memories invaded, he had seen it happen twice before, but this time had been the worst.
The bell rang and all the teachers and students picked up their things and hurried off to their classes. Rueben swung his backpack over his shoulder and walked down the long hallway toward the nurses office. His only hope was that they would let Kim stay in school. "Only one more week," he thought. "One more week and it'll be summer."








I often times want to add to this and give it a more happier ending, but I realized not to long after writing it that the purpose of this passage isn't to give a wonderfully constructed story. It's purpose was to make the audience FEEL the pain and mental anguish. To realize that there's more than just the outside. There's more going on "Behind the Scenes". So, if you wish there was a happier or more fulfilling ending. You're not the only one! I wish it to, but I was in such a different place in my life when I wrote it that I honestly don't know how to even begin. Perhaps, one day I'll write a continuation of Kim's story, because I think she deserves her redemption. I guess you'll just have to wait and see. =]