Failures of the Heart

Do you ever have those days where it seems you fail as often as you breath? Today was one of those days for me. I feel I was the most honest with people about what I believe and tried to be encouraging, but I need to realize that not everyone wants me to volunteer my opinion. Maybe, it should be that if you don't want commentary then you shouldn't say anything, but either way, I have to realize even though that's how it should be, it doesn't mean that's how its going to be.
If we were all what we "should" be we wouldn't have any problems. We would all be in essence perfect, but it is self-evident that as human beings we aren't. Today, I found myself saying over and over again, "Just shut up." I got tired of hearing myself talk, so I knew it probably weighed on those around me. They already know that I don't like watching movie with fornication in it, or adultery. In fact, I pretty much point out whatever is wrong with a movie. Perhaps, that's a good thing. Perhaps, that's something they wouldn't hear if I wasn't around, but sometimes I think I become that "noisy gong" or "clanging cymbal". I'm so passionate. I'm so vocal. I'm so honest and blunt that it is expected from me. So many people begin to write off what I say before I even utter a word. Sometimes, they even look at me like "What are you going to say now?" It's funny, or ironic that they talk about the same subjects around me. The one's they don't want my opinion about, or the one's they already know my opinion about and get angry when I restate the opinion that I have already told them. I could say, "Well, then don't talk about that around me", but I feel as though I need to learn some self-control in that area. I honestly, don't know. I'm so passionately against many of the things they love to revel in and dwell on that I can't remain silent. It's like I think if I tell them enough, they'll understand. If I yell it louder they'll finally hear me and run away from the one thing that will hurt them deeper than my words ever could.
Sometimes, I know the path their on will lead them to destruction, pain, sorrow, grief, loneliness, sin, emptiness and darkness, but there is nothing I can say that will lead them away from it. They have chosen that path and it is theirs to walk. Sometimes, I have to remember that I can't do anything about it, only God can. It's a hard reality, because some people no matter how loud you shout, how patient you are, no matter how much love you show them or understanding they will never turn away from the very things that harm them. They continue to go after the things that will only destroy them. It's horrible to think of. It breaks my heart.
There is one girl in my dorm who doesn't even realize she's bought into a false definition of love. She surrounds herself with it, dreams about a knight in shining armor, or lustful passions that will lead her to her soul-mate, when all the love she could ever want is found in her Saviour. What's worse is that last semester she came to me after a worship service and asked me to pray with her about "falling in love with Jesus". When she came up to me, and I prayed with her I knew it could be hers for the taking, but I was afraid she would just turn from the very thing she said she wanted. I'm saddened to say that I was right. Maybe, it was my doubt that contributed to this situation. Maybe, it has nothing to do with me. I don't know.
But I do know, that I thought we would be best friends. I thought her love for the Lord would help her shine in all aspects of her life for the Lord. I thought she would be a sister in the mission field. Now, I'm left wondering if she ever knew Him. I wonder if she has ever experienced the love of the Father. I wonder if in a few years, she will even be concerned with the Kingdom and the King's business.
I know you can't tell if someone is saved by what they don't do, but she doesn't bare much fruit, which is a scary thought. Jesus said, "You will know them by their fruit." Right now, I can't tell if she is His or not. Honestly, I see more Jesus in my old roommate everyday in the smallest ways than I see in this friend I speak of. And my old roommate just met the Lord last semester. As wonderful as it is to see my old roommate delivered from so many of her past chains and learning to let go of the others, I can't help but see the girl I thought would be one of my strongest allies just sitting, stagnate, blind to the suffering around her and to caught up in her own fantasies to see what the Lord is laying before her.
It saddens me to know that this girl, whom I loved so quickly, shared so much of my heart and past with, I can't even stand to be in the same room with sometimes. Sometimes, her words, not even meant for me, cut deep into my spirit. The immaturity in which she deals with certain situations weighs on my heart, and the knowledge that we were once so close and perhaps never will be again is almost to much for me to bare. Some of the things I shared with her I hadn't even shared with my closest sisters, and now there is a derision, a chasym that can't be crossed between us.
When I'm around her, I find my deepest flaws seem to be displayed or under a microscope. I'm no longer used to the small rebukes I have received my whole life. When I'm around them and I speak, it's so different then the way they talk that I feel as though I'm standing all alone in a crowded room. I don't feel as though I am with allies but with enemies. Instead of fighting with them, I feel as though I am up against them.
These are the people I was talking about when I said last semester, "These 'Christians', these people who are supposed to be my brothers and sisters, are the very ones who reject me every day of my life." and I don't know if it be because they don't know him, or if they are to comfortable in their worldly lifestyle that they don't want to let it go.
I'm afraid that I am losing yet another friend. One who I have loved more, and held closer than even this girl I have talked about. It all started with a difference in opinion, and is escalating to me wanting to push her away, because I don't want to see the inevitable outcome of her decision. I pray it doesn't happen, but I fear she has heard the Lord, and done exactly the opposite. I pray I am wrong. I'd gladly eat my words if it meant she didn't have to suffer. If she didn't have to feel the pain, I believe she will, but to many times I wish to see myself proven wrong and then I find out I was right. What's worse is when I warn the people I love what will happen they get angry at me and then one day come to me in tears saying, "Why didn't i listen to you? you were right."
How many times have I come before my Lord saying the same thing. How many times have I felt that pain. I know my gift of discernment and wisdom is to be shared so others don't have to share in my pain, but sometimes just like me they have to learn for themselves. I pray the Lord just give them a short leash.
In all these situations, I feel as though the majority of it is my fault. Maybe if I had listened more, been more understanding, encouraging, gentle and less harsh or overbearing. Maybe, if i didn't come off like I know everything. Maybe if I was more humble they would be willing to hear my warnings. There is so much I wish I could have done differently, because I am in the habit of just doing something without be transparent enough for them to see my intentions/motivations and not just a harsh opinion "shoved down their throats". That's one thing I hate that I do. I don't mean to do it, but so many times I come across that way.
All I can do is learn from my past mistakes and pray to the Lord to give me the strength to change in the future. I can't do anything about the past, but learn from it. I hope that I can do at least this, because then maybe the knowledge and wisdom that the Lord has blessed me with (one of the few good aspects of my personality) will be used as He intended not wasted as they have been.
Pray for me. I most definitely need it.