Nostalgia

I sit here at 12:05 in the morning writing this blog and I can't help but be nostalgic. The memories of my incredibly horrible, wonderful, beautiful, sometimes horrific past plays through my mind and in my ears in the form of the music that helped to shape and change my life. People are always asking me what my favorite music is, and I can never really give them an answer, because the music that I love are tied to specific times in my life. The music that was my heart's cry in the middle of the night in the depths of my despair, the reflection of my agony, the beauty of the coming dawn, the songs of my soul, the praise of my mouth, the worship that I poured out to my saviour on the best days and the worst nights of my life.
As I sit and think about it, my teary eyes feel as though they will overflow with the joys and sorrows of my blessed life. So many people wish to escape pain, and I don't blame them. Pain sucks. I wish I hadn't had to live through it or have made so many mistakes, but I look back and I may regret the things I did and the consequences but I don't regret the outcome. What Satan meant for evil the Lord used for good. When I thought i could no longer be used and i was useless, worthless the Lord kept the promise i made to Him and choses to use me.
I don't understand why He would be pleased to use me. I honestly don't. Sometimes I feel as though i want nothing more to die, because that's all i deserve. Who am I to experience the joy of breath filling my lungs, or my heart rhythmically beating in my chest? Who am I receive the privilege of loving someone? Who am I to be loved? Who am I?
Who am I to be saved from my past and my future before life has even begun? So many people talk about God's will and the difference between it and His perfect will, and how He just allows bad things to happen sometimes. But they rarely think of the things He  DOESN'T allow to happen. Things that He says, "NO!" and pulls us back in. We so many time focus on the things He lets "slip by" and never about the things He keeps from us. He kept my mom from dying when I was born. He kept me from having to know the pain of an abusive father, the sting alcohol can make on a family, the addiction of drugs, the harshness of the streets, never knowing what love from a father looks like, and so many other things in my life. Yes, He let me make some pretty horrible decisions and the consequences of them, but He did not leave me to rot on my own. No, my heavenly father discipline/disciplines me for them because...why?... HE LOVES ME!
I look at my horrible deeds that could have destroyed my life from the inside out and know that I am worthy of such a Divine Lover, Father, Friend, Saviour, King and Lord, but know that despite the fact that I am unworthy to call upon His name, look upon His face, hear His beautiful voice and talk to Him, He wants those things from me.
My heart if it could experience the full weight of this amazing concept at once, would burst inside my chest. I would fall on my face and never see or look up again. I would be in beautiful sorrowful joyous agony before the one who loves me so completely wholly and definitively, and be content to never see the light of day or another moment of life again.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but I honestly don't understand how people can grow up hearing the "facts about Jesus" and not understand what He has done. The true sacrifice, the pain, the love He shared for us on the cross. I don't understand how they can say, "Oh, it was my parent's faith, but now its mine."
My faith has ALWAYS been by faith, even when I was only four. I don't understand how someone who hears the Word could think its just a collection of letters and concepts that have no meaning, or a meaning that is "just not for them." I don't understand. Those who hear the gospel and truly HEAR the gospel react one of two ways, they run to it and lay down all their burdens or they run screaming away in anger and fear.
The only people I know who don't react these two ways usually haven't really listened to the gospel. They've heard the words, but they haven't taken it in and asked what does this really mean.
It saddens me, because one day I'll get to heaven and look around and expect to see hundreds, thousands, millions more "christians" and they will be among those whom the Lord has said, "Depart from me you doer of iniquity for I never knew you."
Now, I've thought about this often, and my main prayer is that through my life the Lord will say to me, "Well, done Good and faithful servant." But more than that, I pray, beg, fall on my face and ask Him to give me opportunities to serve Him. I pray that my eyes will be opened to the opportunities before me that I may be a good stewart of what He's given me, that I will enact my plea to serve my Lord. I pray that the Lord find favor in me so that I can carry out His will. I pray that the Lord will strengthen my weary, weak flesh to have the courage to do everything I ask of Him, because I can't do this on my own.
I can't tell you how much that verse grieves my soul, and how many prayers I have lifted up for my fellow Christian brothers and sisters and those who don't know Him but think they do. I pray that my brothers and sisters will shine for the Lord and truly be the light. That they stay strong in their race and keep on when trials befall them. I pray for those who don't know Him to be touched by the Lord and that they will realize who He really is. I pray that not another day goes by without them experiencing His mighty Glory personally.
I'll never forget when this concept hit home. My sister Juji, thought for 18 years of her life that she was saved and knew the Lord, and it wasn't until she finally met Him that she realized she hadn't. I'll never forget I was sitting in a dark room with her at a church retreat weekend and she was pouring out her heart to me, telling me how she couldn't let go of something in her past. I kept asking her, why? why can't you let go?
"I don't know. I just can't. I know I'm supposed to give it to God, but I just can't. I pray, but its like He doesn't answer."
It was the hardest question I ever had to ask her, but I knew I had to.
"Well, are you sure you know the Lord?"
We were both in tears as she uttered her next phrase.
"I don't know."
The sorrow that filled my soul that night. I prayed for her. I prayed that the Lord would reveal Himself to her. It wasn't until about a year ago that she realized that was the night she first met Christ. It wasn't until now that we both realized that God was using me to lead her to the Lord, and to disciple her the next coming years. I got the honor to see one come to the Lord, but there are countless others who are just like she was. I pray that they come to know Him like she did.
But its true that the harvest is plentiful and the workers are few, because many who think they are the workers are really the ones who need to be watered and harvested.
Please, I urge you my brother or sister who reads this, if you are a Christ follower pray for those around you who don't know Him. I forget to lift them up in prayer, as well, but I hope that we together can remember to pray for them, and then act out the opportunities that the Lord sets before us as His children.
Go in peace.
Go in strength.
Go in love.
Go in hope.
Go in courage.
Go in perseverance.
but most of all Go in joy, for you know our battle is won, the harvest is ready and its in only there for the taking. Our blessing will be increase, if we are willing to just take the first step to follow after the calling of the Lord. I'm not talking about the earthly blessings of wealth, status or property. I'm talking about the eternal blessings that we will see in heaven. Who we will walk amongst. Who we will see free from all their pain, sorrow, agony, burdens, and misery of this life. We will see them made complete, and know that we had the honor, the privilege to usher them into heavens gates, side by side, arm in arm for an eternity.