I know that sounds like a weird title compared to the popular slogan "Make Love not War", but when we think about this from a Christian perspective the title really is more what we should be aiming for not the world's slogan. It may seem like a contradictory statement, but it's not.
Ephesians makes it really clear that we are in a spiritual battle. "For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against principalities against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world. Against spiritual wickedness in high places."
As Christians we also know that Satan is "like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour", meaning he is not our ally, but our sworn enemy. And we also know that this war is not for land, not for wealth, or even reputation, but for souls. So, when we look at our main purpose as Christians we can see is that we are to bring Him Glory. That's what we were made for and we do this, through our praise, our worship, our thanks, and by the way we live our lives.
I'm learning in my Brit Lit course about King Arthur and his knights.The main purpose for the codes of chivalry were not to be outstanding knights for the sake of being an outstanding knight, but because the way in which a knight conducts himself reflected upon his king. It's the same in our battle, but with a little more at stake. Not only do we reflect our Lord through our actions, but also our actions, the way we prepare, equip or carry out our duty can determine how we can respond in the future. If we don't stay in constant pray and in the Word so that we may be ready for battle "in the evil day, and having done all to stand". We will fall, and we will fall in such a way that can hinder us for a long time after wards. We will not be defeated, but because of our mistake, because we did not take care of our responsiblity, we let opportunities that we could have done God's work pass us by. And because of this sometimes, a person can miss their last opportunity for someone to reach out to them, or their sufferings can be prolonged, because we did not do what the Lord had for us to do. Sometimes, He simply gives the priveledge and honor to someone else, and we miss out on the blessing of living our faith and seeing the fruits of our labor.
This is what I find myself thinking, contemplating and praying over. I don't want to miss the opportunities that the Lord has for me. I have already missed so many, and I don't want to get to heaven someday and know that there should have been thousands more, hundreds, tens or even one person who could have been their if I had taken care of the responsiblity that was entrusted to me.
This kinda reminds me of the parable of the talents. Jesus gave different servants a different number of talents, but at the end the one who didn't do anything to multiply his wealth was rebuked and his privilege was given to another. I don't want to be that lazy servant who does nothing with what the Lord has blessed me with. I want to be the good servant that the Lord keeps pouring out His privilege to, who God pours out His blessing to. The one on the day I see Him that He says to, "Well, done my good and faithful servant."
That's the one I want to be. I want to know that I made the most of this precious life that He's given me. So, in turn I will make War against the evils of this world, the evil one and all his followers, so that those who do not know the Lord can have many opportunities to see His face, feel His love and know His healing.
I will make war that they may one day feel His love.
I will make war through my prayers.
I will make war through the standard at which I conduct my life.
I will make war by the words that I speak in gentleness and truth.
I will make war by the way I love.
I will Make War for Love.
the Love of a Father,
Saviour,
Comforter,
Friend,
King,
and Lord.
I will make war for the one who made war for me, and who can give you the Love you've been to afraid to ask for and have only dreamt of.
I will make War for Love.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Failures of the Heart
Do you ever have those days where it seems you fail as often as you breath? Today was one of those days for me. I feel I was the most honest with people about what I believe and tried to be encouraging, but I need to realize that not everyone wants me to volunteer my opinion. Maybe, it should be that if you don't want commentary then you shouldn't say anything, but either way, I have to realize even though that's how it should be, it doesn't mean that's how its going to be.
If we were all what we "should" be we wouldn't have any problems. We would all be in essence perfect, but it is self-evident that as human beings we aren't. Today, I found myself saying over and over again, "Just shut up." I got tired of hearing myself talk, so I knew it probably weighed on those around me. They already know that I don't like watching movie with fornication in it, or adultery. In fact, I pretty much point out whatever is wrong with a movie. Perhaps, that's a good thing. Perhaps, that's something they wouldn't hear if I wasn't around, but sometimes I think I become that "noisy gong" or "clanging cymbal". I'm so passionate. I'm so vocal. I'm so honest and blunt that it is expected from me. So many people begin to write off what I say before I even utter a word. Sometimes, they even look at me like "What are you going to say now?" It's funny, or ironic that they talk about the same subjects around me. The one's they don't want my opinion about, or the one's they already know my opinion about and get angry when I restate the opinion that I have already told them. I could say, "Well, then don't talk about that around me", but I feel as though I need to learn some self-control in that area. I honestly, don't know. I'm so passionately against many of the things they love to revel in and dwell on that I can't remain silent. It's like I think if I tell them enough, they'll understand. If I yell it louder they'll finally hear me and run away from the one thing that will hurt them deeper than my words ever could.
Sometimes, I know the path their on will lead them to destruction, pain, sorrow, grief, loneliness, sin, emptiness and darkness, but there is nothing I can say that will lead them away from it. They have chosen that path and it is theirs to walk. Sometimes, I have to remember that I can't do anything about it, only God can. It's a hard reality, because some people no matter how loud you shout, how patient you are, no matter how much love you show them or understanding they will never turn away from the very things that harm them. They continue to go after the things that will only destroy them. It's horrible to think of. It breaks my heart.
There is one girl in my dorm who doesn't even realize she's bought into a false definition of love. She surrounds herself with it, dreams about a knight in shining armor, or lustful passions that will lead her to her soul-mate, when all the love she could ever want is found in her Saviour. What's worse is that last semester she came to me after a worship service and asked me to pray with her about "falling in love with Jesus". When she came up to me, and I prayed with her I knew it could be hers for the taking, but I was afraid she would just turn from the very thing she said she wanted. I'm saddened to say that I was right. Maybe, it was my doubt that contributed to this situation. Maybe, it has nothing to do with me. I don't know.
But I do know, that I thought we would be best friends. I thought her love for the Lord would help her shine in all aspects of her life for the Lord. I thought she would be a sister in the mission field. Now, I'm left wondering if she ever knew Him. I wonder if she has ever experienced the love of the Father. I wonder if in a few years, she will even be concerned with the Kingdom and the King's business.
I know you can't tell if someone is saved by what they don't do, but she doesn't bare much fruit, which is a scary thought. Jesus said, "You will know them by their fruit." Right now, I can't tell if she is His or not. Honestly, I see more Jesus in my old roommate everyday in the smallest ways than I see in this friend I speak of. And my old roommate just met the Lord last semester. As wonderful as it is to see my old roommate delivered from so many of her past chains and learning to let go of the others, I can't help but see the girl I thought would be one of my strongest allies just sitting, stagnate, blind to the suffering around her and to caught up in her own fantasies to see what the Lord is laying before her.
It saddens me to know that this girl, whom I loved so quickly, shared so much of my heart and past with, I can't even stand to be in the same room with sometimes. Sometimes, her words, not even meant for me, cut deep into my spirit. The immaturity in which she deals with certain situations weighs on my heart, and the knowledge that we were once so close and perhaps never will be again is almost to much for me to bare. Some of the things I shared with her I hadn't even shared with my closest sisters, and now there is a derision, a chasym that can't be crossed between us.
When I'm around her, I find my deepest flaws seem to be displayed or under a microscope. I'm no longer used to the small rebukes I have received my whole life. When I'm around them and I speak, it's so different then the way they talk that I feel as though I'm standing all alone in a crowded room. I don't feel as though I am with allies but with enemies. Instead of fighting with them, I feel as though I am up against them.
These are the people I was talking about when I said last semester, "These 'Christians', these people who are supposed to be my brothers and sisters, are the very ones who reject me every day of my life." and I don't know if it be because they don't know him, or if they are to comfortable in their worldly lifestyle that they don't want to let it go.
I'm afraid that I am losing yet another friend. One who I have loved more, and held closer than even this girl I have talked about. It all started with a difference in opinion, and is escalating to me wanting to push her away, because I don't want to see the inevitable outcome of her decision. I pray it doesn't happen, but I fear she has heard the Lord, and done exactly the opposite. I pray I am wrong. I'd gladly eat my words if it meant she didn't have to suffer. If she didn't have to feel the pain, I believe she will, but to many times I wish to see myself proven wrong and then I find out I was right. What's worse is when I warn the people I love what will happen they get angry at me and then one day come to me in tears saying, "Why didn't i listen to you? you were right."
How many times have I come before my Lord saying the same thing. How many times have I felt that pain. I know my gift of discernment and wisdom is to be shared so others don't have to share in my pain, but sometimes just like me they have to learn for themselves. I pray the Lord just give them a short leash.
In all these situations, I feel as though the majority of it is my fault. Maybe if I had listened more, been more understanding, encouraging, gentle and less harsh or overbearing. Maybe, if i didn't come off like I know everything. Maybe if I was more humble they would be willing to hear my warnings. There is so much I wish I could have done differently, because I am in the habit of just doing something without be transparent enough for them to see my intentions/motivations and not just a harsh opinion "shoved down their throats". That's one thing I hate that I do. I don't mean to do it, but so many times I come across that way.
All I can do is learn from my past mistakes and pray to the Lord to give me the strength to change in the future. I can't do anything about the past, but learn from it. I hope that I can do at least this, because then maybe the knowledge and wisdom that the Lord has blessed me with (one of the few good aspects of my personality) will be used as He intended not wasted as they have been.
Pray for me. I most definitely need it.
If we were all what we "should" be we wouldn't have any problems. We would all be in essence perfect, but it is self-evident that as human beings we aren't. Today, I found myself saying over and over again, "Just shut up." I got tired of hearing myself talk, so I knew it probably weighed on those around me. They already know that I don't like watching movie with fornication in it, or adultery. In fact, I pretty much point out whatever is wrong with a movie. Perhaps, that's a good thing. Perhaps, that's something they wouldn't hear if I wasn't around, but sometimes I think I become that "noisy gong" or "clanging cymbal". I'm so passionate. I'm so vocal. I'm so honest and blunt that it is expected from me. So many people begin to write off what I say before I even utter a word. Sometimes, they even look at me like "What are you going to say now?" It's funny, or ironic that they talk about the same subjects around me. The one's they don't want my opinion about, or the one's they already know my opinion about and get angry when I restate the opinion that I have already told them. I could say, "Well, then don't talk about that around me", but I feel as though I need to learn some self-control in that area. I honestly, don't know. I'm so passionately against many of the things they love to revel in and dwell on that I can't remain silent. It's like I think if I tell them enough, they'll understand. If I yell it louder they'll finally hear me and run away from the one thing that will hurt them deeper than my words ever could.
Sometimes, I know the path their on will lead them to destruction, pain, sorrow, grief, loneliness, sin, emptiness and darkness, but there is nothing I can say that will lead them away from it. They have chosen that path and it is theirs to walk. Sometimes, I have to remember that I can't do anything about it, only God can. It's a hard reality, because some people no matter how loud you shout, how patient you are, no matter how much love you show them or understanding they will never turn away from the very things that harm them. They continue to go after the things that will only destroy them. It's horrible to think of. It breaks my heart.
There is one girl in my dorm who doesn't even realize she's bought into a false definition of love. She surrounds herself with it, dreams about a knight in shining armor, or lustful passions that will lead her to her soul-mate, when all the love she could ever want is found in her Saviour. What's worse is that last semester she came to me after a worship service and asked me to pray with her about "falling in love with Jesus". When she came up to me, and I prayed with her I knew it could be hers for the taking, but I was afraid she would just turn from the very thing she said she wanted. I'm saddened to say that I was right. Maybe, it was my doubt that contributed to this situation. Maybe, it has nothing to do with me. I don't know.
But I do know, that I thought we would be best friends. I thought her love for the Lord would help her shine in all aspects of her life for the Lord. I thought she would be a sister in the mission field. Now, I'm left wondering if she ever knew Him. I wonder if she has ever experienced the love of the Father. I wonder if in a few years, she will even be concerned with the Kingdom and the King's business.
I know you can't tell if someone is saved by what they don't do, but she doesn't bare much fruit, which is a scary thought. Jesus said, "You will know them by their fruit." Right now, I can't tell if she is His or not. Honestly, I see more Jesus in my old roommate everyday in the smallest ways than I see in this friend I speak of. And my old roommate just met the Lord last semester. As wonderful as it is to see my old roommate delivered from so many of her past chains and learning to let go of the others, I can't help but see the girl I thought would be one of my strongest allies just sitting, stagnate, blind to the suffering around her and to caught up in her own fantasies to see what the Lord is laying before her.
It saddens me to know that this girl, whom I loved so quickly, shared so much of my heart and past with, I can't even stand to be in the same room with sometimes. Sometimes, her words, not even meant for me, cut deep into my spirit. The immaturity in which she deals with certain situations weighs on my heart, and the knowledge that we were once so close and perhaps never will be again is almost to much for me to bare. Some of the things I shared with her I hadn't even shared with my closest sisters, and now there is a derision, a chasym that can't be crossed between us.
When I'm around her, I find my deepest flaws seem to be displayed or under a microscope. I'm no longer used to the small rebukes I have received my whole life. When I'm around them and I speak, it's so different then the way they talk that I feel as though I'm standing all alone in a crowded room. I don't feel as though I am with allies but with enemies. Instead of fighting with them, I feel as though I am up against them.
These are the people I was talking about when I said last semester, "These 'Christians', these people who are supposed to be my brothers and sisters, are the very ones who reject me every day of my life." and I don't know if it be because they don't know him, or if they are to comfortable in their worldly lifestyle that they don't want to let it go.
I'm afraid that I am losing yet another friend. One who I have loved more, and held closer than even this girl I have talked about. It all started with a difference in opinion, and is escalating to me wanting to push her away, because I don't want to see the inevitable outcome of her decision. I pray it doesn't happen, but I fear she has heard the Lord, and done exactly the opposite. I pray I am wrong. I'd gladly eat my words if it meant she didn't have to suffer. If she didn't have to feel the pain, I believe she will, but to many times I wish to see myself proven wrong and then I find out I was right. What's worse is when I warn the people I love what will happen they get angry at me and then one day come to me in tears saying, "Why didn't i listen to you? you were right."
How many times have I come before my Lord saying the same thing. How many times have I felt that pain. I know my gift of discernment and wisdom is to be shared so others don't have to share in my pain, but sometimes just like me they have to learn for themselves. I pray the Lord just give them a short leash.
In all these situations, I feel as though the majority of it is my fault. Maybe if I had listened more, been more understanding, encouraging, gentle and less harsh or overbearing. Maybe, if i didn't come off like I know everything. Maybe if I was more humble they would be willing to hear my warnings. There is so much I wish I could have done differently, because I am in the habit of just doing something without be transparent enough for them to see my intentions/motivations and not just a harsh opinion "shoved down their throats". That's one thing I hate that I do. I don't mean to do it, but so many times I come across that way.
All I can do is learn from my past mistakes and pray to the Lord to give me the strength to change in the future. I can't do anything about the past, but learn from it. I hope that I can do at least this, because then maybe the knowledge and wisdom that the Lord has blessed me with (one of the few good aspects of my personality) will be used as He intended not wasted as they have been.
Pray for me. I most definitely need it.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Nostalgia
I sit here at 12:05 in the morning writing this blog and I can't help but be nostalgic. The memories of my incredibly horrible, wonderful, beautiful, sometimes horrific past plays through my mind and in my ears in the form of the music that helped to shape and change my life. People are always asking me what my favorite music is, and I can never really give them an answer, because the music that I love are tied to specific times in my life. The music that was my heart's cry in the middle of the night in the depths of my despair, the reflection of my agony, the beauty of the coming dawn, the songs of my soul, the praise of my mouth, the worship that I poured out to my saviour on the best days and the worst nights of my life.
As I sit and think about it, my teary eyes feel as though they will overflow with the joys and sorrows of my blessed life. So many people wish to escape pain, and I don't blame them. Pain sucks. I wish I hadn't had to live through it or have made so many mistakes, but I look back and I may regret the things I did and the consequences but I don't regret the outcome. What Satan meant for evil the Lord used for good. When I thought i could no longer be used and i was useless, worthless the Lord kept the promise i made to Him and choses to use me.
I don't understand why He would be pleased to use me. I honestly don't. Sometimes I feel as though i want nothing more to die, because that's all i deserve. Who am I to experience the joy of breath filling my lungs, or my heart rhythmically beating in my chest? Who am I receive the privilege of loving someone? Who am I to be loved? Who am I?
Who am I to be saved from my past and my future before life has even begun? So many people talk about God's will and the difference between it and His perfect will, and how He just allows bad things to happen sometimes. But they rarely think of the things He DOESN'T allow to happen. Things that He says, "NO!" and pulls us back in. We so many time focus on the things He lets "slip by" and never about the things He keeps from us. He kept my mom from dying when I was born. He kept me from having to know the pain of an abusive father, the sting alcohol can make on a family, the addiction of drugs, the harshness of the streets, never knowing what love from a father looks like, and so many other things in my life. Yes, He let me make some pretty horrible decisions and the consequences of them, but He did not leave me to rot on my own. No, my heavenly father discipline/disciplines me for them because...why?... HE LOVES ME!
I look at my horrible deeds that could have destroyed my life from the inside out and know that I am worthy of such a Divine Lover, Father, Friend, Saviour, King and Lord, but know that despite the fact that I am unworthy to call upon His name, look upon His face, hear His beautiful voice and talk to Him, He wants those things from me.
My heart if it could experience the full weight of this amazing concept at once, would burst inside my chest. I would fall on my face and never see or look up again. I would be in beautiful sorrowful joyous agony before the one who loves me so completely wholly and definitively, and be content to never see the light of day or another moment of life again.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but I honestly don't understand how people can grow up hearing the "facts about Jesus" and not understand what He has done. The true sacrifice, the pain, the love He shared for us on the cross. I don't understand how they can say, "Oh, it was my parent's faith, but now its mine."
My faith has ALWAYS been by faith, even when I was only four. I don't understand how someone who hears the Word could think its just a collection of letters and concepts that have no meaning, or a meaning that is "just not for them." I don't understand. Those who hear the gospel and truly HEAR the gospel react one of two ways, they run to it and lay down all their burdens or they run screaming away in anger and fear.
The only people I know who don't react these two ways usually haven't really listened to the gospel. They've heard the words, but they haven't taken it in and asked what does this really mean.
It saddens me, because one day I'll get to heaven and look around and expect to see hundreds, thousands, millions more "christians" and they will be among those whom the Lord has said, "Depart from me you doer of iniquity for I never knew you."
Now, I've thought about this often, and my main prayer is that through my life the Lord will say to me, "Well, done Good and faithful servant." But more than that, I pray, beg, fall on my face and ask Him to give me opportunities to serve Him. I pray that my eyes will be opened to the opportunities before me that I may be a good stewart of what He's given me, that I will enact my plea to serve my Lord. I pray that the Lord find favor in me so that I can carry out His will. I pray that the Lord will strengthen my weary, weak flesh to have the courage to do everything I ask of Him, because I can't do this on my own.
I can't tell you how much that verse grieves my soul, and how many prayers I have lifted up for my fellow Christian brothers and sisters and those who don't know Him but think they do. I pray that my brothers and sisters will shine for the Lord and truly be the light. That they stay strong in their race and keep on when trials befall them. I pray for those who don't know Him to be touched by the Lord and that they will realize who He really is. I pray that not another day goes by without them experiencing His mighty Glory personally.
I'll never forget when this concept hit home. My sister Juji, thought for 18 years of her life that she was saved and knew the Lord, and it wasn't until she finally met Him that she realized she hadn't. I'll never forget I was sitting in a dark room with her at a church retreat weekend and she was pouring out her heart to me, telling me how she couldn't let go of something in her past. I kept asking her, why? why can't you let go?
"I don't know. I just can't. I know I'm supposed to give it to God, but I just can't. I pray, but its like He doesn't answer."
It was the hardest question I ever had to ask her, but I knew I had to.
"Well, are you sure you know the Lord?"
We were both in tears as she uttered her next phrase.
"I don't know."
The sorrow that filled my soul that night. I prayed for her. I prayed that the Lord would reveal Himself to her. It wasn't until about a year ago that she realized that was the night she first met Christ. It wasn't until now that we both realized that God was using me to lead her to the Lord, and to disciple her the next coming years. I got the honor to see one come to the Lord, but there are countless others who are just like she was. I pray that they come to know Him like she did.
But its true that the harvest is plentiful and the workers are few, because many who think they are the workers are really the ones who need to be watered and harvested.
Please, I urge you my brother or sister who reads this, if you are a Christ follower pray for those around you who don't know Him. I forget to lift them up in prayer, as well, but I hope that we together can remember to pray for them, and then act out the opportunities that the Lord sets before us as His children.
Go in peace.
Go in strength.
Go in love.
Go in hope.
Go in courage.
Go in perseverance.
but most of all Go in joy, for you know our battle is won, the harvest is ready and its in only there for the taking. Our blessing will be increase, if we are willing to just take the first step to follow after the calling of the Lord. I'm not talking about the earthly blessings of wealth, status or property. I'm talking about the eternal blessings that we will see in heaven. Who we will walk amongst. Who we will see free from all their pain, sorrow, agony, burdens, and misery of this life. We will see them made complete, and know that we had the honor, the privilege to usher them into heavens gates, side by side, arm in arm for an eternity.
As I sit and think about it, my teary eyes feel as though they will overflow with the joys and sorrows of my blessed life. So many people wish to escape pain, and I don't blame them. Pain sucks. I wish I hadn't had to live through it or have made so many mistakes, but I look back and I may regret the things I did and the consequences but I don't regret the outcome. What Satan meant for evil the Lord used for good. When I thought i could no longer be used and i was useless, worthless the Lord kept the promise i made to Him and choses to use me.
I don't understand why He would be pleased to use me. I honestly don't. Sometimes I feel as though i want nothing more to die, because that's all i deserve. Who am I to experience the joy of breath filling my lungs, or my heart rhythmically beating in my chest? Who am I receive the privilege of loving someone? Who am I to be loved? Who am I?
Who am I to be saved from my past and my future before life has even begun? So many people talk about God's will and the difference between it and His perfect will, and how He just allows bad things to happen sometimes. But they rarely think of the things He DOESN'T allow to happen. Things that He says, "NO!" and pulls us back in. We so many time focus on the things He lets "slip by" and never about the things He keeps from us. He kept my mom from dying when I was born. He kept me from having to know the pain of an abusive father, the sting alcohol can make on a family, the addiction of drugs, the harshness of the streets, never knowing what love from a father looks like, and so many other things in my life. Yes, He let me make some pretty horrible decisions and the consequences of them, but He did not leave me to rot on my own. No, my heavenly father discipline/disciplines me for them because...why?... HE LOVES ME!
I look at my horrible deeds that could have destroyed my life from the inside out and know that I am worthy of such a Divine Lover, Father, Friend, Saviour, King and Lord, but know that despite the fact that I am unworthy to call upon His name, look upon His face, hear His beautiful voice and talk to Him, He wants those things from me.
My heart if it could experience the full weight of this amazing concept at once, would burst inside my chest. I would fall on my face and never see or look up again. I would be in beautiful sorrowful joyous agony before the one who loves me so completely wholly and definitively, and be content to never see the light of day or another moment of life again.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but I honestly don't understand how people can grow up hearing the "facts about Jesus" and not understand what He has done. The true sacrifice, the pain, the love He shared for us on the cross. I don't understand how they can say, "Oh, it was my parent's faith, but now its mine."
My faith has ALWAYS been by faith, even when I was only four. I don't understand how someone who hears the Word could think its just a collection of letters and concepts that have no meaning, or a meaning that is "just not for them." I don't understand. Those who hear the gospel and truly HEAR the gospel react one of two ways, they run to it and lay down all their burdens or they run screaming away in anger and fear.
The only people I know who don't react these two ways usually haven't really listened to the gospel. They've heard the words, but they haven't taken it in and asked what does this really mean.
It saddens me, because one day I'll get to heaven and look around and expect to see hundreds, thousands, millions more "christians" and they will be among those whom the Lord has said, "Depart from me you doer of iniquity for I never knew you."
Now, I've thought about this often, and my main prayer is that through my life the Lord will say to me, "Well, done Good and faithful servant." But more than that, I pray, beg, fall on my face and ask Him to give me opportunities to serve Him. I pray that my eyes will be opened to the opportunities before me that I may be a good stewart of what He's given me, that I will enact my plea to serve my Lord. I pray that the Lord find favor in me so that I can carry out His will. I pray that the Lord will strengthen my weary, weak flesh to have the courage to do everything I ask of Him, because I can't do this on my own.
I can't tell you how much that verse grieves my soul, and how many prayers I have lifted up for my fellow Christian brothers and sisters and those who don't know Him but think they do. I pray that my brothers and sisters will shine for the Lord and truly be the light. That they stay strong in their race and keep on when trials befall them. I pray for those who don't know Him to be touched by the Lord and that they will realize who He really is. I pray that not another day goes by without them experiencing His mighty Glory personally.
I'll never forget when this concept hit home. My sister Juji, thought for 18 years of her life that she was saved and knew the Lord, and it wasn't until she finally met Him that she realized she hadn't. I'll never forget I was sitting in a dark room with her at a church retreat weekend and she was pouring out her heart to me, telling me how she couldn't let go of something in her past. I kept asking her, why? why can't you let go?
"I don't know. I just can't. I know I'm supposed to give it to God, but I just can't. I pray, but its like He doesn't answer."
It was the hardest question I ever had to ask her, but I knew I had to.
"Well, are you sure you know the Lord?"
We were both in tears as she uttered her next phrase.
"I don't know."
The sorrow that filled my soul that night. I prayed for her. I prayed that the Lord would reveal Himself to her. It wasn't until about a year ago that she realized that was the night she first met Christ. It wasn't until now that we both realized that God was using me to lead her to the Lord, and to disciple her the next coming years. I got the honor to see one come to the Lord, but there are countless others who are just like she was. I pray that they come to know Him like she did.
But its true that the harvest is plentiful and the workers are few, because many who think they are the workers are really the ones who need to be watered and harvested.
Please, I urge you my brother or sister who reads this, if you are a Christ follower pray for those around you who don't know Him. I forget to lift them up in prayer, as well, but I hope that we together can remember to pray for them, and then act out the opportunities that the Lord sets before us as His children.
Go in peace.
Go in strength.
Go in love.
Go in hope.
Go in courage.
Go in perseverance.
but most of all Go in joy, for you know our battle is won, the harvest is ready and its in only there for the taking. Our blessing will be increase, if we are willing to just take the first step to follow after the calling of the Lord. I'm not talking about the earthly blessings of wealth, status or property. I'm talking about the eternal blessings that we will see in heaven. Who we will walk amongst. Who we will see free from all their pain, sorrow, agony, burdens, and misery of this life. We will see them made complete, and know that we had the honor, the privilege to usher them into heavens gates, side by side, arm in arm for an eternity.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Beware of Christians
So, I know what your thinking. Beware of Christians? let me explain:
It's a wonderful new movie, more like a testimony set to moving pictures, that 4 years made about a year and half ago. It talks about all the preconceived notions that "Christians" have about our religion. And yes, I use quotes and the word "religion" for a reason. They are talking about the thousands of people who fill American churches and churches all around the world who think they know the Lord, but honestly do not know what they are founded on. They are talking about all the people who think they know how to do the "Christian" thing, go to all the bible studies, say the right things, pray the right prayer and still have no idea about who it is they are supposed to be serving. They ask the tough questions in this film. The questions that so many believers are afraid to ask because it means you are "doubting". They take some of the leading ideologies found in the modern church head on and put them to the test of Scripture. It is a compelling film, but more than the things it addresses. It's incredibly real. These guys aren't guys who have been to seminary and know all the answers to every religious question. In fact, they state that at the beginning. These are 4 guys who were willing to put down all that they have been taught and thought about modern "Christianity" and seek out the Truth of what it means to be a Christian. To be someone who follows after Christ with everything they have. Who reach out to the poor and who don't just sit around and talk about it. They wanted to know what it really means to be a Christ follower. The price, the sacrifice, the joys, the reasons, it all. The good the bad and the ugly. It'll make you seriously examine your heart. You'll ask yourself some of the same questions they did, but hopefully you'll go to God's Word and to God Himself like they did. I highly recommend watching this movie. It'll spur those of us who are on the same path they are. It'll encourage those who have doubts to seek out answers ( when you seek you WILL find.) and spark conversation for those who don't know Him.
It's a wonderful new movie, more like a testimony set to moving pictures, that 4 years made about a year and half ago. It talks about all the preconceived notions that "Christians" have about our religion. And yes, I use quotes and the word "religion" for a reason. They are talking about the thousands of people who fill American churches and churches all around the world who think they know the Lord, but honestly do not know what they are founded on. They are talking about all the people who think they know how to do the "Christian" thing, go to all the bible studies, say the right things, pray the right prayer and still have no idea about who it is they are supposed to be serving. They ask the tough questions in this film. The questions that so many believers are afraid to ask because it means you are "doubting". They take some of the leading ideologies found in the modern church head on and put them to the test of Scripture. It is a compelling film, but more than the things it addresses. It's incredibly real. These guys aren't guys who have been to seminary and know all the answers to every religious question. In fact, they state that at the beginning. These are 4 guys who were willing to put down all that they have been taught and thought about modern "Christianity" and seek out the Truth of what it means to be a Christian. To be someone who follows after Christ with everything they have. Who reach out to the poor and who don't just sit around and talk about it. They wanted to know what it really means to be a Christ follower. The price, the sacrifice, the joys, the reasons, it all. The good the bad and the ugly. It'll make you seriously examine your heart. You'll ask yourself some of the same questions they did, but hopefully you'll go to God's Word and to God Himself like they did. I highly recommend watching this movie. It'll spur those of us who are on the same path they are. It'll encourage those who have doubts to seek out answers ( when you seek you WILL find.) and spark conversation for those who don't know Him.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Songs of the Soul
Touch my heart
Restore my soul
Take my hand and lead me home
This troubled life
I'm letting go
To follow after you alone
When darkness surrounds me and death is all I can see.
I'll lift my eyes to heaven and know your with me
I give up my burdens And get down on my knees
Lift my voice with praise for You and know you'll hear my plea
Touch my heart
Restore my weary broken soul
Take my hand
And lead me on home
This trouble life ain't worth it
For you I'm letting go
And I'll follow after you
Follow after you, oh
I'll follow after you
Alone.
Restore my soul
Take my hand and lead me home
This troubled life
I'm letting go
To follow after you alone
When darkness surrounds me and death is all I can see.
I'll lift my eyes to heaven and know your with me
I give up my burdens And get down on my knees
Lift my voice with praise for You and know you'll hear my plea
Touch my heart
Restore my weary broken soul
Take my hand
And lead me on home
This trouble life ain't worth it
For you I'm letting go
And I'll follow after you
Follow after you, oh
I'll follow after you
Alone.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
A Year of Change
I sit here typing on the new laptop that my dad bought for me. It is by no means "new", but it is working like a dream. I'm so happy right now. It's probably the reason I'm even writing this blog, but as I type I think it's best to update what exactly has been going on in my life this past semester.
I started my first semester of college at the University of Mary Hardin-Baylor. It's the most beautiful place I've been in quite a while, and it has nothing to do with the scenery. Okay, maybe a little bit... :) It's really a very beautiful campus. Anyway, back to the story.
I started my first week about the second week in August. I attended my university's welcome week. I met my welcome week mother and father, Justin French and Corbin Simmons. Along with "Ridiculous Ryan", "Bulumptuous Blake", and about 18 other wonderful people. We played a game where we paired a word that began with the first letter of our name and theirs are the only two I can remember. All through the week we adopted and recruited new family members. For the first time in my life I was actually accepted by the people around me. Even back at FBCA the first year wasn't so smooth. People didn't treat me badly, but they also didn't particularly go out of their way to ask me how I was doing. My new welcome week family actually cared about me. We were all in this new college experience together.
I'll never forget the first time I recognized the difference. It was about a week into school, and I was bored. I hadn't really met anyone in my dorm yet and I texted a few people asking them to come chill with me in the sub, our campus cafe. I texted them half-heartedly expected them to say "no, that's okay. I'm doing something else". You know one of those polite responses that people give you because they'd rather have nothing to do with you. What I got was the complete opposite. They all came. To them it probably didn't mean much to them to answer a texted message, but to someone who has been rejected even in small ways the majority of their life it meant a lot.
But I'm jumping ahead of myself a little bit. The whole point of welcome week and the subsequent "families" are to help new students acclimate to their new environment. The "parents" are to help give new freshman connections on campus to organizations, answer questions about different campus traditions, and help them meet people on campus. Throughout welcome week we play games, go to orientation, etc. If we have any questions we have our "parents" to help guide us. All the events lead up to the single most important event of the week, "Dubbing Ceremony". It's a campus tradition. All the new students, Freshman and Transfer, gather outside of Luther Memorial and we are presented with the definition of what it means to be a Crusader. My dad is a Couch Cru Captian, kinda a team of yell leaders, and he had a lot to say about that. "Crusader, never walks alone." was pretty much his anthem.
Well, what I haven't mentioned up to this point is that the whole 6-7 months leading up to this semester I was dreading coming to UMHB. I had my mind set on a college far off in Kentucky. I was sure that was were God wanted me to go. It was the first time I had "heard" what God wanted for my life, and I couldn't accept the fact I was wrong. I didn't want to go to UMHB, in fact a few years before when my high school went there for a State Choir competition, I sat out there on the Quad with my best friend on one of the swings looking around. I declared to her that "I will never come to school here. It's pretty, but I will never come to school here." When she asked me why I simply stated to her I didn't like it. After all this here I was at the dubbing ceremony for UMHB. The entire week I kept hearing everyone say, "You're here for a reason. There are no accidents. God brought you here for a reason."
Now, at the dubbing ceremony their words were echoing in my mind. They said when you were dubbed as a Crusader you were a Crusader Forever. Now, I'm not one to make promises lightly. I knew that if I was dubbed it would mean that I was staying at UMHB all four years of my college life. Maybe, that's not what it means to other people, but that's what it meant to me. In fact, the whole past year Iknew that I only wanted to attend one college. That's just my personality. I don't like "quitting", "giving up on things", or "Not finishing what I start". I abhor it. I played with the idea of going to UMHB for a semester and then transfering to my college in Kentucky, but as I sat in that dubbing ceremony chair I knew I wasn't going anywhere. I was fully prepared to walk away from that ceremony, if I didn't want to make that commitment. But as I sat there, I thought about all the things that had happened to get me to this point. God had brought UMHB out of the blue. I didn't go looking for this univeristy. Not only that God had paid for everything. I had made it to this University all on scholarship and grants from the Indian Reservation. I didn't have any debt, and here I was pouting about me being "right". Right then and there I decided I wasn't going to pout, fight, or be angry about me being here at UMHB. In fact I was going to find out what God had for me. He brought me this far it must be important. So I got up, was dubbed as a Crusader Forever and started with a whole new attitude. It wasn't one of those climatic events like in the movies, in fact, it would have been classified as "anti climatic". We didn't have fancy robes, or organized lines that would signify a ceremony. It was kinda like ordered chaos, but to me a was a defining moment. I remember walking back to my dorm that night I had a conversation with God. I promised Him I wasn't just going to sit back and wait for Him to bring me whatever He wanted for me. I wasn't going to be one of those people who said they "surrender" and then sit on their hands and never go looking for God's best. I told Him I was going to seek Him, and what He wanted for me here. I wasn't going to idle. I wasn't going to waste time. I was going to meet the people He wanted me to meet, and do what He wanted me to do.
So the next few months, that's exactly what I did, and I can't believe what I found. At UMHB they describe it as a "Home", at least its one of their goals. The pray and hope that all the faculty can become kind of your family away from home and the students will meet friends, brothers and sisters for a lifetime. I can tell you right now that is something I've always wanted. I could write a book about my first semester here. How when I trusted God He gave me everything I ever wanted. Some of the things that I thought i would never had. Things I had given up on years ago, God gave me. Things I forgot were my deepest desires He gave me. He has blessed me beyond belief this past semester, and not just in my life but in my families life. Things have changed so much. I can't even believe it. He changed the heart of my dad, and is healing my family He gave me a family here at UMHB. I have had sisters in the past. Two to be precise. Anastasia and Juji. Now I have more sisters and a miracle, BROTHERS! I love them more than I can possibly describe, and I trust them with my life. God gave me everything I didn't have the courage to ask for, and I'll never forget it. I've also grown so much in the past semester.
I am constantly filled with joy, love, and peace! Worry has not infected my heart once while I was there at UMHB. the only time it did was when I came back here to my house in Houston. I can't stop singing, I'm in love with my Savior, My God, My Daddy, My Friend. I've written songs. I've written poetry. I've done things I haven't done since I first met Him when I was four. I have returned to my first love. My heart is filled. Tis a beautiful thing. Also, I have fallen, I believe, in love with a wonderful man of God. I can't describe to you how it happened, and I can assure you that he has no idea. :) All I know is the only way I do is because of God. I never thought I could love a man. A broken sinful man, especially not a man like my father. After all these years especially the last two, it wasn't that I stopped loving my father I still love him. In fact I probably love him more. It was more like, I don't think I'd have the strength to love a man like him. More like, I wouldn't be enough to love a man with my father's type of past. I don't have the patience. I don't have the love in my heart that would help me love a man.
Then like an avalanche, love filled my heart for a man that I barely knew. In fact, when I finally admitted to myself that I loved him, the only thing I knew about him was that He was a man of God. But for me that was enough, because the love I had for him wasn't my own. It was the same with my best friend Anastasia. Before I met her I didn't think I could ever love someone enough to call them "best friend", and then a year later God brought her into my life in a very direct way. Now, nearly a year after I proclaimed to that same best friend, "I don't think I'll ever get married, because I don't think I could ever love a man that much or in that way. I can't see how I ever could?".
Well, I'm here to tell you I still don't know how I do, but somehow I do. I can only attribute it to God. He opened my heart to him, and I hope if it pleases the Lord to do so that He will open his heart to mine. Either way I am thankful, because I know now that I can love that deeply, perhaps even deeper than that.
After years of running away from Him, I have finally ran back to my Lord. He has brought me back to His side. I can hear His voice again. I'm not distracted by the world, or its lies. I am captivated by His love once more. He is all I see. I don't want anything else. I feel cherished like I was when I was little. I see myself how God sees me for the first time since I was a little girl. I see myself as his daughter, his princess. I see myself for what He has made me. I used the analogy of my name. It means "Pleasant". God gave me that name before I was born. HE gave me that name, and I believe it was for the moments when I believe I'm worthless. When I feel I am just a burden, or when my mistakes take me too far away to be saved. When I feel I am nothing but a disappointment. God gave me that name to remind me that I am fully pleasing, not by my own power, but because He has made me that way. God calls me "Pleasant" who am I to say I am other wise? lol. my last name also means "Flowers". I like to say that I am in full bloom. I really believe that. My time is come. My ministry full fledged what I was made to do has come. I think I might write that book, but not just about this last semester but about my life. Perhaps, one day I'll publish it. Perhaps not. All I know probably as long as I live I will never finish "talking" about all that He's done.
Psalm 40:5
I started my first semester of college at the University of Mary Hardin-Baylor. It's the most beautiful place I've been in quite a while, and it has nothing to do with the scenery. Okay, maybe a little bit... :) It's really a very beautiful campus. Anyway, back to the story.
I started my first week about the second week in August. I attended my university's welcome week. I met my welcome week mother and father, Justin French and Corbin Simmons. Along with "Ridiculous Ryan", "Bulumptuous Blake", and about 18 other wonderful people. We played a game where we paired a word that began with the first letter of our name and theirs are the only two I can remember. All through the week we adopted and recruited new family members. For the first time in my life I was actually accepted by the people around me. Even back at FBCA the first year wasn't so smooth. People didn't treat me badly, but they also didn't particularly go out of their way to ask me how I was doing. My new welcome week family actually cared about me. We were all in this new college experience together.
I'll never forget the first time I recognized the difference. It was about a week into school, and I was bored. I hadn't really met anyone in my dorm yet and I texted a few people asking them to come chill with me in the sub, our campus cafe. I texted them half-heartedly expected them to say "no, that's okay. I'm doing something else". You know one of those polite responses that people give you because they'd rather have nothing to do with you. What I got was the complete opposite. They all came. To them it probably didn't mean much to them to answer a texted message, but to someone who has been rejected even in small ways the majority of their life it meant a lot.
But I'm jumping ahead of myself a little bit. The whole point of welcome week and the subsequent "families" are to help new students acclimate to their new environment. The "parents" are to help give new freshman connections on campus to organizations, answer questions about different campus traditions, and help them meet people on campus. Throughout welcome week we play games, go to orientation, etc. If we have any questions we have our "parents" to help guide us. All the events lead up to the single most important event of the week, "Dubbing Ceremony". It's a campus tradition. All the new students, Freshman and Transfer, gather outside of Luther Memorial and we are presented with the definition of what it means to be a Crusader. My dad is a Couch Cru Captian, kinda a team of yell leaders, and he had a lot to say about that. "Crusader, never walks alone." was pretty much his anthem.
Well, what I haven't mentioned up to this point is that the whole 6-7 months leading up to this semester I was dreading coming to UMHB. I had my mind set on a college far off in Kentucky. I was sure that was were God wanted me to go. It was the first time I had "heard" what God wanted for my life, and I couldn't accept the fact I was wrong. I didn't want to go to UMHB, in fact a few years before when my high school went there for a State Choir competition, I sat out there on the Quad with my best friend on one of the swings looking around. I declared to her that "I will never come to school here. It's pretty, but I will never come to school here." When she asked me why I simply stated to her I didn't like it. After all this here I was at the dubbing ceremony for UMHB. The entire week I kept hearing everyone say, "You're here for a reason. There are no accidents. God brought you here for a reason."
Now, at the dubbing ceremony their words were echoing in my mind. They said when you were dubbed as a Crusader you were a Crusader Forever. Now, I'm not one to make promises lightly. I knew that if I was dubbed it would mean that I was staying at UMHB all four years of my college life. Maybe, that's not what it means to other people, but that's what it meant to me. In fact, the whole past year Iknew that I only wanted to attend one college. That's just my personality. I don't like "quitting", "giving up on things", or "Not finishing what I start". I abhor it. I played with the idea of going to UMHB for a semester and then transfering to my college in Kentucky, but as I sat in that dubbing ceremony chair I knew I wasn't going anywhere. I was fully prepared to walk away from that ceremony, if I didn't want to make that commitment. But as I sat there, I thought about all the things that had happened to get me to this point. God had brought UMHB out of the blue. I didn't go looking for this univeristy. Not only that God had paid for everything. I had made it to this University all on scholarship and grants from the Indian Reservation. I didn't have any debt, and here I was pouting about me being "right". Right then and there I decided I wasn't going to pout, fight, or be angry about me being here at UMHB. In fact I was going to find out what God had for me. He brought me this far it must be important. So I got up, was dubbed as a Crusader Forever and started with a whole new attitude. It wasn't one of those climatic events like in the movies, in fact, it would have been classified as "anti climatic". We didn't have fancy robes, or organized lines that would signify a ceremony. It was kinda like ordered chaos, but to me a was a defining moment. I remember walking back to my dorm that night I had a conversation with God. I promised Him I wasn't just going to sit back and wait for Him to bring me whatever He wanted for me. I wasn't going to be one of those people who said they "surrender" and then sit on their hands and never go looking for God's best. I told Him I was going to seek Him, and what He wanted for me here. I wasn't going to idle. I wasn't going to waste time. I was going to meet the people He wanted me to meet, and do what He wanted me to do.
So the next few months, that's exactly what I did, and I can't believe what I found. At UMHB they describe it as a "Home", at least its one of their goals. The pray and hope that all the faculty can become kind of your family away from home and the students will meet friends, brothers and sisters for a lifetime. I can tell you right now that is something I've always wanted. I could write a book about my first semester here. How when I trusted God He gave me everything I ever wanted. Some of the things that I thought i would never had. Things I had given up on years ago, God gave me. Things I forgot were my deepest desires He gave me. He has blessed me beyond belief this past semester, and not just in my life but in my families life. Things have changed so much. I can't even believe it. He changed the heart of my dad, and is healing my family He gave me a family here at UMHB. I have had sisters in the past. Two to be precise. Anastasia and Juji. Now I have more sisters and a miracle, BROTHERS! I love them more than I can possibly describe, and I trust them with my life. God gave me everything I didn't have the courage to ask for, and I'll never forget it. I've also grown so much in the past semester.
I am constantly filled with joy, love, and peace! Worry has not infected my heart once while I was there at UMHB. the only time it did was when I came back here to my house in Houston. I can't stop singing, I'm in love with my Savior, My God, My Daddy, My Friend. I've written songs. I've written poetry. I've done things I haven't done since I first met Him when I was four. I have returned to my first love. My heart is filled. Tis a beautiful thing. Also, I have fallen, I believe, in love with a wonderful man of God. I can't describe to you how it happened, and I can assure you that he has no idea. :) All I know is the only way I do is because of God. I never thought I could love a man. A broken sinful man, especially not a man like my father. After all these years especially the last two, it wasn't that I stopped loving my father I still love him. In fact I probably love him more. It was more like, I don't think I'd have the strength to love a man like him. More like, I wouldn't be enough to love a man with my father's type of past. I don't have the patience. I don't have the love in my heart that would help me love a man.
Then like an avalanche, love filled my heart for a man that I barely knew. In fact, when I finally admitted to myself that I loved him, the only thing I knew about him was that He was a man of God. But for me that was enough, because the love I had for him wasn't my own. It was the same with my best friend Anastasia. Before I met her I didn't think I could ever love someone enough to call them "best friend", and then a year later God brought her into my life in a very direct way. Now, nearly a year after I proclaimed to that same best friend, "I don't think I'll ever get married, because I don't think I could ever love a man that much or in that way. I can't see how I ever could?".
Well, I'm here to tell you I still don't know how I do, but somehow I do. I can only attribute it to God. He opened my heart to him, and I hope if it pleases the Lord to do so that He will open his heart to mine. Either way I am thankful, because I know now that I can love that deeply, perhaps even deeper than that.
After years of running away from Him, I have finally ran back to my Lord. He has brought me back to His side. I can hear His voice again. I'm not distracted by the world, or its lies. I am captivated by His love once more. He is all I see. I don't want anything else. I feel cherished like I was when I was little. I see myself how God sees me for the first time since I was a little girl. I see myself as his daughter, his princess. I see myself for what He has made me. I used the analogy of my name. It means "Pleasant". God gave me that name before I was born. HE gave me that name, and I believe it was for the moments when I believe I'm worthless. When I feel I am just a burden, or when my mistakes take me too far away to be saved. When I feel I am nothing but a disappointment. God gave me that name to remind me that I am fully pleasing, not by my own power, but because He has made me that way. God calls me "Pleasant" who am I to say I am other wise? lol. my last name also means "Flowers". I like to say that I am in full bloom. I really believe that. My time is come. My ministry full fledged what I was made to do has come. I think I might write that book, but not just about this last semester but about my life. Perhaps, one day I'll publish it. Perhaps not. All I know probably as long as I live I will never finish "talking" about all that He's done.
Psalm 40:5
"Oh Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us. Your plans for us are too numerous to list. You have no equal. If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them."
Oh Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us. Your plans for us are too numerous to list. You have no equal. If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Family
So this past semester at college has been life altering. It's been amazing! I can't even begin to tell of all the things that have happened. I fell in love with my Lord again, and at the same time he brought a man into my life and filled my heart with love for him as well. God broke my heart for what is breaking His. My faith has been tested in ways that I never would have imagined. He has given me His strength. He has given me His words. He has changed me. Explicitly.
Love does not begin to cover it. My whole life I have been rejected by those who I desired so much to feel a part of. These people who call themselves Christians, who were supposed to be my brothers and sisters rejected me every day of my life, and now finally, when I thought that I would never see it God gave me what I never thought I'd have. He gave me something that I had given up on ever attaining. I was content with being alone, but HE...HE gave me that which I most desired, a family. He gave me not only sisters but brothers. Beautiful brothers who love me. Who are protective of me. Who pray for me. Who will for me to succeed and give me the encouragement I need to attain that which I seek. I've never had brothers. I've never had family. Even my own biological family rejected me. I decided that I am meant to be alone, but God showed me other wise.
Family. What a beautiful word. :') I'm a part of the family, and not just that I FEEL like I am. I am accepted. I am even loved for all the reasons people have hated me my entire life. Not only do they love me, but we are running this race together. Another thing I have always wanted. It's crazy. It's insane. It's unbelievable, but that's how God works.
"When nothing else could ever help, and I can't do this by myself. Love lifted me."
I love hymns. That one really means a lot. Words could never express.
Love does not begin to cover it. My whole life I have been rejected by those who I desired so much to feel a part of. These people who call themselves Christians, who were supposed to be my brothers and sisters rejected me every day of my life, and now finally, when I thought that I would never see it God gave me what I never thought I'd have. He gave me something that I had given up on ever attaining. I was content with being alone, but HE...HE gave me that which I most desired, a family. He gave me not only sisters but brothers. Beautiful brothers who love me. Who are protective of me. Who pray for me. Who will for me to succeed and give me the encouragement I need to attain that which I seek. I've never had brothers. I've never had family. Even my own biological family rejected me. I decided that I am meant to be alone, but God showed me other wise.
Family. What a beautiful word. :') I'm a part of the family, and not just that I FEEL like I am. I am accepted. I am even loved for all the reasons people have hated me my entire life. Not only do they love me, but we are running this race together. Another thing I have always wanted. It's crazy. It's insane. It's unbelievable, but that's how God works.
"When nothing else could ever help, and I can't do this by myself. Love lifted me."
I love hymns. That one really means a lot. Words could never express.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Falling in Love
Oh! The Lord is so good! He revealed something amazing to me this past Thursday. He brought a man of God into my life who brought me a message that I've been needing to hear for quite some time. I wish I could tell you, but I just can't. It's to precious and wonderful to my heart for me to just display it online.
Know that it has been life altering. Know that I have been told the thing I've been needing to hear. And that this Man of God is beautiful. He goes with the Lord, and I am blessed to have met him.
I went to something called "worship on the quad", and there the Lord used him as his mouthpiece. He got eye to eye with me and told me things about myself that I had never told him. Some of the things I had never told anyone. So do not think that I have been mislead. I have been led in truth, and I know a lie when I see it.
Oh! How I wish I could write it, but I fear it is not yet its time. Maybe one day I'll post it, but as for now know that I go with God as a Woman of God. Ready and willing to bring the good news to all that don't know Him! =]
I have never felt so cherished in my life! <3 <3
Know that it has been life altering. Know that I have been told the thing I've been needing to hear. And that this Man of God is beautiful. He goes with the Lord, and I am blessed to have met him.
I went to something called "worship on the quad", and there the Lord used him as his mouthpiece. He got eye to eye with me and told me things about myself that I had never told him. Some of the things I had never told anyone. So do not think that I have been mislead. I have been led in truth, and I know a lie when I see it.
Oh! How I wish I could write it, but I fear it is not yet its time. Maybe one day I'll post it, but as for now know that I go with God as a Woman of God. Ready and willing to bring the good news to all that don't know Him! =]
I have never felt so cherished in my life! <3 <3
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Far away
Oh, Lord.
Why?
Why is it that you can feel so close one moment, and thousands of miles away the next. Can I really go that far so fast? How do I get side tracked? How do I lose sight? One moment I'm in your arms, and the next I'm searching blindly for You.
I'm here in this place that you have brought me. I am living and learning and loving, but I long to be in your presence. It's like I'm missing a part of myself when i feel far away from you. I know your there. I know your listening, and even while I wander around aimlessly you are already running to me, but I can't help but miss you.
You are here. You are in this room, and inside of me, but how can I feel so far away?
Why?
Why is it that you can feel so close one moment, and thousands of miles away the next. Can I really go that far so fast? How do I get side tracked? How do I lose sight? One moment I'm in your arms, and the next I'm searching blindly for You.
I'm here in this place that you have brought me. I am living and learning and loving, but I long to be in your presence. It's like I'm missing a part of myself when i feel far away from you. I know your there. I know your listening, and even while I wander around aimlessly you are already running to me, but I can't help but miss you.
You are here. You are in this room, and inside of me, but how can I feel so far away?
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Joy comes in the Morning
Here I am with tears stains on my face, but they are not of anguish! NAY! They are of joy! The glorious joy that only God can give! Oh, how long the nights have been these last two years. I thought He had forgotten. I thought He hadn't heard. How can I question the wonderful Lord, He hears and He answers! He is beyond words! I cannot even speak.
Oh, the most beautiful thing these eyes have seen in so long has happened this wonderful morning!
For those of you who have read "Hold My Heart" my blog and my other blog about being kicked out, you will join me in my rejoicing.
For two years I have been at odds with my parents, because of our spiritual stagnancy. I have prayed so hard for so long for my parents these past two years of struggle. Today I had a wonderful conversation with my dad. He sat there across the table from me as I started a normal conversation with him. Then it turned. A glorious turn.
It went from talking about politics to the state of my mother in the morning, and then to her relationship with my dad. Now, I have already had a conversation with my mom about how she feels so I guess it was my dad's turn. I was so nervous, but the words came so smoothly. They were the things I had longed for so long to tell my parents, because they weren't my words. They were the truth of God that my parents had taught me since I was a small child. They are always telling me how to handle situations. Even now when they are struggling to maintain their spiritual walks they still manage to supply me with the guidance they can't seem to follow.
There is nothing as disheartening as seeing the problems your parents are holding on to, and do nothing about it. It's even harder to handle when the very thing they're struggling with is what you have been freed from.
I finally told my dad about how where they are at is where I was when I was in 6th grade lonely, depressed and suicidal. I was trying to handle it all on my own, but I couldn't. Even though Jesus was my Savior i wasn't leaving everything at the cross. It wasn't until He came for me that I finally gave everything to Him. He called me out, and I came running back. It was small steps over several years, but I eventually learned to let go of everything and give it to Him.
I hadn't known how far away I had strayed until I surveyed the time gone by.
Now here I am delivered from it all and I see my parents in the same situation I was in. I wanted to scream to them that God will deliver them too! That they don't have to be there anymore. They can be healed! Oh, I knew what they needed to hear, but I am their child it's not my place to tell them. I have to respect their authority.
The Lord, being so amazing and all knowing as He is, knew my concerns and led other people to help minister to my parents. I wasn't the only mouthpiece. It seems silly to concern myself with myself. God is God. He isn't limited to me! haha! Oh, how beautifully true that statement is. Oh! I want to sing. I want to dance with joy! I want to fall to my knees! I want to cry! The Lord is so amazing! Oh, I can't say enough about MY wonderful Lord.
When I had given up on my parents. When I thought there was no hope. When I couldn't see past that night's tears, He was moving. He was delivering. He was comforting. He was loving! how amazing He is!
I thought all that pain would be for nothing. That I had failed the Lord. But I say, "Do not become weary in doing good" because the Lord ALWAYS delivers! He has delivered. I have seen a small change in my dad. One that I had said before I would give anything to see, and behold my eyes have seen it! and I still can't believe it. How wonderful the Lord is! I have asked Him to show me how He moves, and now that I've seen it I still find it to amazing to believe! haha!
Oh, I am so happy i could sleep. The Lord is pulling my parents from the darkness just like He pulled me.
Love lifted me. When nothing else could ever help and I couldn't do this by myself. Love lifted me!
Oh, the most beautiful thing these eyes have seen in so long has happened this wonderful morning!
For those of you who have read "Hold My Heart" my blog and my other blog about being kicked out, you will join me in my rejoicing.
For two years I have been at odds with my parents, because of our spiritual stagnancy. I have prayed so hard for so long for my parents these past two years of struggle. Today I had a wonderful conversation with my dad. He sat there across the table from me as I started a normal conversation with him. Then it turned. A glorious turn.
It went from talking about politics to the state of my mother in the morning, and then to her relationship with my dad. Now, I have already had a conversation with my mom about how she feels so I guess it was my dad's turn. I was so nervous, but the words came so smoothly. They were the things I had longed for so long to tell my parents, because they weren't my words. They were the truth of God that my parents had taught me since I was a small child. They are always telling me how to handle situations. Even now when they are struggling to maintain their spiritual walks they still manage to supply me with the guidance they can't seem to follow.
There is nothing as disheartening as seeing the problems your parents are holding on to, and do nothing about it. It's even harder to handle when the very thing they're struggling with is what you have been freed from.
I finally told my dad about how where they are at is where I was when I was in 6th grade lonely, depressed and suicidal. I was trying to handle it all on my own, but I couldn't. Even though Jesus was my Savior i wasn't leaving everything at the cross. It wasn't until He came for me that I finally gave everything to Him. He called me out, and I came running back. It was small steps over several years, but I eventually learned to let go of everything and give it to Him.
I hadn't known how far away I had strayed until I surveyed the time gone by.
Now here I am delivered from it all and I see my parents in the same situation I was in. I wanted to scream to them that God will deliver them too! That they don't have to be there anymore. They can be healed! Oh, I knew what they needed to hear, but I am their child it's not my place to tell them. I have to respect their authority.
The Lord, being so amazing and all knowing as He is, knew my concerns and led other people to help minister to my parents. I wasn't the only mouthpiece. It seems silly to concern myself with myself. God is God. He isn't limited to me! haha! Oh, how beautifully true that statement is. Oh! I want to sing. I want to dance with joy! I want to fall to my knees! I want to cry! The Lord is so amazing! Oh, I can't say enough about MY wonderful Lord.
When I had given up on my parents. When I thought there was no hope. When I couldn't see past that night's tears, He was moving. He was delivering. He was comforting. He was loving! how amazing He is!
I thought all that pain would be for nothing. That I had failed the Lord. But I say, "Do not become weary in doing good" because the Lord ALWAYS delivers! He has delivered. I have seen a small change in my dad. One that I had said before I would give anything to see, and behold my eyes have seen it! and I still can't believe it. How wonderful the Lord is! I have asked Him to show me how He moves, and now that I've seen it I still find it to amazing to believe! haha!
Oh, I am so happy i could sleep. The Lord is pulling my parents from the darkness just like He pulled me.
Love lifted me. When nothing else could ever help and I couldn't do this by myself. Love lifted me!
Friday, June 25, 2010
I LOVE YOU!
This story is not about me. It's about a close friend of mine.
HATE YOU!
*gasp*
I HATE YOU!
*tear*
I HATE YOU!
How could you do this to me?!
Why did you do this to me?!
I trusted you!
So explicitely,
I let you in
when no one else could touch me
you RUINED me!
I really shouldn't expect much from you...
You never changed.
No matter how hard I wished,
No matter how hard I cried,
No matter how hard I begged you to be different,
you never changed.
You sat their with your crooked little grin.
You called me a Baby.
I am a Baby.
Your Baby.
The one you decided to throw away.
I was supposed to be your precious daughter,
instead I became an orphan searching for a father.
You weren't the man I needed,
You were the man I wanted.
The man I loved with all my heart
without restraint
but now full of regret.
I waited for you for so long!
I stood on those front steps
WAITING for you!
Can't you see,
my little footprints marked by the rain.
I waited!
You were always just around the corner,
You were always on your way back to me.
I remember the day I realized you weren't coming back.
That you were NEVER coming back.
I told mama, no.
I called her a liar.
I told her I knew you were coming.
You wouldn't do this to me.
You wouldn't leave me all alone!
I was wrong.
It broke my fragile heart,
You were suppossed to show me how to love.
You were suppossed to protect me.
You were supposed to be my Daddy.
Even when a new man came into my life,
All I could see was you leaving me again!
There were nights when I could hear your car coming up the street,
and when things got tough I still hoped you would swoop in to save the day.
But you never came.
Even years after I let my anger wash over me,
and bitterness stained my soul.
Even after I let the hatred bath over me,
I still wanted you.
Then I remembered
I called out to you, and you never came.
I cried for you!
You didn't care!
You went off and made a new family,
And unlike me they got to share the love
I was unworthy of.
Even now as I think about it
It fills me with sorrow that
With every breathe my chest gets tighter,
my heart heavier!
No matter how much I try to hate you
It hurts me more than it could ever hurt you!
It hurts that you NEVER wanted me, but
I'm still that little girl waiting for you.
I'm still that little girl waiting in the pouring rain,
Watching your brake lights head off in the distance,
wishing,
hoping you'd come back this time.
Can't you see that I Love you!
I LOVE YOU!
How could you do this to me?
I love you...
HATE YOU!
*gasp*
I HATE YOU!
*tear*
I HATE YOU!
How could you do this to me?!
Why did you do this to me?!
I trusted you!
So explicitely,
I let you in
when no one else could touch me
you RUINED me!
I really shouldn't expect much from you...
You never changed.
No matter how hard I wished,
No matter how hard I cried,
No matter how hard I begged you to be different,
you never changed.
You sat their with your crooked little grin.
You called me a Baby.
I am a Baby.
Your Baby.
The one you decided to throw away.
I was supposed to be your precious daughter,
instead I became an orphan searching for a father.
You weren't the man I needed,
You were the man I wanted.
The man I loved with all my heart
without restraint
but now full of regret.
I waited for you for so long!
I stood on those front steps
WAITING for you!
Can't you see,
my little footprints marked by the rain.
I waited!
You were always just around the corner,
You were always on your way back to me.
I remember the day I realized you weren't coming back.
That you were NEVER coming back.
I told mama, no.
I called her a liar.
I told her I knew you were coming.
You wouldn't do this to me.
You wouldn't leave me all alone!
I was wrong.
It broke my fragile heart,
You were suppossed to show me how to love.
You were suppossed to protect me.
You were supposed to be my Daddy.
Even when a new man came into my life,
All I could see was you leaving me again!
There were nights when I could hear your car coming up the street,
and when things got tough I still hoped you would swoop in to save the day.
But you never came.
Even years after I let my anger wash over me,
and bitterness stained my soul.
Even after I let the hatred bath over me,
I still wanted you.
Then I remembered
I called out to you, and you never came.
I cried for you!
You didn't care!
You went off and made a new family,
And unlike me they got to share the love
I was unworthy of.
Even now as I think about it
It fills me with sorrow that
With every breathe my chest gets tighter,
my heart heavier!
No matter how much I try to hate you
It hurts me more than it could ever hurt you!
It hurts that you NEVER wanted me, but
I'm still that little girl waiting for you.
I'm still that little girl waiting in the pouring rain,
Watching your brake lights head off in the distance,
wishing,
hoping you'd come back this time.
Can't you see that I Love you!
I LOVE YOU!
How could you do this to me?
I love you...
My Story
This story is fiction.
"Everyone has a story to tell. What will you say?"
Recently I was purposed with this question. At the time a plethora of things went rolling through my head. Questions. Statements. Some made valid points others I decided to rebuke. (They were a long the lines of "Who would are?" and "Why does it matter?") All entirely unhelpful to actually answering the question.
My professor challenged all of us to sit down and write about a page of what our story would say. He gave us an hour in class to complete the assignment. The clock ticked and tocked the whole way through, and somehow I still couldn't find the words to say.
My story? What did that even mean? I was baffeled, at a loss for MY words to MY story. What did he want me to say?
As Iooked up from my thoughts and realized that there was only 15 minutes left, I decided not to write a mere summary of my life and its events. Instead I wrote this:
"MY STORY" by Penelope Morgan
"Of all the things I could write this topic should be the simplest. Who knows me better than me? I could entertain you with my witicisms and ponderings of a simpleton, challenge you with the truth or comfort you with the details of my personal pain. Of all the things I could say, this is the easiest. No matter what words leave my mouth or are formed by my pen, nothing shouts louder than the words my actions write.
I could spend an hour simply informing you of what I believe, who I am and what led me to these conclusions, but my story isn't written in ink. It can't be contained by the confides of paper. It isn't simply made of great events and special occasions.
My story is seen everyday with the every breathe, every glance, smile, tear, touch or gesture. The smallest parts ofme scream of the deepest parts of myself.
So again, I could spend an hour giving you useless facts about my life, but that's not my story. My life is, and you have a front row seat to my one woman show."
As I finished up my little essay I thought, "UGH! Why couldn't you simply answer the question?"
I turned in my paper with what I'm sure was a look of worry written on my face (pun intended). I could almost feel the "F" coming my way. I quietly slinked out of the classroom disappointed with myself.
I debated the next day about asking the professor to redo the assignment, but I decided that I should take what was given to me. I walked into class not very hopeful. I could see the stack of papers neatly positioned at the corner of the professor's desk taunting me.
I sat down in my usual seat and slid as far down as I possibly could prepared for the worst. The professor started as usual, right on time.
As I waited for him to pass out the papers something strange happened. Instead of handing out the first paper, he began to read it. As the words swirled to through the air, I realized he was reading MY paper. Didn't see that one coming.
After he finished he looked up at me from behind his reading glasses and said,
"This young woman chose not, like many of you did, to simply rattle off, as she puts it, "useless facts" about herself.
Although it was wonderful to learn about your many colorful personal lives and beliefs, she alone understood my original question. 'What will you say?' She took it one step further. She realized that no mere description could contain the depth of the impact her everyday actions have in the novel of her life. Like many good authors, she knows that she may be the author of her story, but it is her audience that will determine its meaning. Superb job Ms. Morgan".
"Everyone has a story to tell. What will you say?"
Recently I was purposed with this question. At the time a plethora of things went rolling through my head. Questions. Statements. Some made valid points others I decided to rebuke. (They were a long the lines of "Who would are?" and "Why does it matter?") All entirely unhelpful to actually answering the question.
My professor challenged all of us to sit down and write about a page of what our story would say. He gave us an hour in class to complete the assignment. The clock ticked and tocked the whole way through, and somehow I still couldn't find the words to say.
My story? What did that even mean? I was baffeled, at a loss for MY words to MY story. What did he want me to say?
As Iooked up from my thoughts and realized that there was only 15 minutes left, I decided not to write a mere summary of my life and its events. Instead I wrote this:
"MY STORY" by Penelope Morgan
"Of all the things I could write this topic should be the simplest. Who knows me better than me? I could entertain you with my witicisms and ponderings of a simpleton, challenge you with the truth or comfort you with the details of my personal pain. Of all the things I could say, this is the easiest. No matter what words leave my mouth or are formed by my pen, nothing shouts louder than the words my actions write.
I could spend an hour simply informing you of what I believe, who I am and what led me to these conclusions, but my story isn't written in ink. It can't be contained by the confides of paper. It isn't simply made of great events and special occasions.
My story is seen everyday with the every breathe, every glance, smile, tear, touch or gesture. The smallest parts ofme scream of the deepest parts of myself.
So again, I could spend an hour giving you useless facts about my life, but that's not my story. My life is, and you have a front row seat to my one woman show."
As I finished up my little essay I thought, "UGH! Why couldn't you simply answer the question?"
I turned in my paper with what I'm sure was a look of worry written on my face (pun intended). I could almost feel the "F" coming my way. I quietly slinked out of the classroom disappointed with myself.
I debated the next day about asking the professor to redo the assignment, but I decided that I should take what was given to me. I walked into class not very hopeful. I could see the stack of papers neatly positioned at the corner of the professor's desk taunting me.
I sat down in my usual seat and slid as far down as I possibly could prepared for the worst. The professor started as usual, right on time.
As I waited for him to pass out the papers something strange happened. Instead of handing out the first paper, he began to read it. As the words swirled to through the air, I realized he was reading MY paper. Didn't see that one coming.
After he finished he looked up at me from behind his reading glasses and said,
"This young woman chose not, like many of you did, to simply rattle off, as she puts it, "useless facts" about herself.
Although it was wonderful to learn about your many colorful personal lives and beliefs, she alone understood my original question. 'What will you say?' She took it one step further. She realized that no mere description could contain the depth of the impact her everyday actions have in the novel of her life. Like many good authors, she knows that she may be the author of her story, but it is her audience that will determine its meaning. Superb job Ms. Morgan".
Immortality
How beautiful life is,
Full of breath,
The heart beating rhythmically beneath the chest.
How quickly it can be stolen,
Life's melody interupted.
How marvelous its affect even after death.
For life goes on,
by the inspiration it left behind
Not in it's brief song.
Full of breath,
The heart beating rhythmically beneath the chest.
How quickly it can be stolen,
Life's melody interupted.
How marvelous its affect even after death.
For life goes on,
by the inspiration it left behind
Not in it's brief song.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
My Dear John Letter
What's up world?
Nothing changed much?
or has everything changed?
You aren't exactly the most stable basis of morals or truths.
In fact, for most of my life I believed your lies.
And at first things went well.
I forgot all about the truths God had whispered
quietly into my young ears and heart
I decided that your loud bleating voice must be who I turned to.
So I filled myself with your pride,
with YOUR justice, and feel good attitude,
but you know what?
at the end of the day nothing had changed.
I was still empty.
I didn't hear it at the time,
but God was calling out to me.
I was so far away there were times His voice was just
a small echo reverberating through my mind.
I couldn't see it at the time,
but He was moving.
His hand was reaching out to me,
and I was the chasm seperating the two of us.
Just like the dark before the morning when everything is black
and all I could see was you,
skewing my view,
He was preparing a painting.
Just like the silence before the birds sing,
and all I could hear was your guilt driven shameful sorrow washing over me,
He was preparing a symphony.
And in that silence, that utter darkness
when I thought all was lost
and I was too far gone.
I felt His touch.
I heard His voice.
I saw His truth.
I had fought hard to forget,
that what I see is what I get.
His beauty,
His love,
All for me.
Paid at high cost
on that Blessed tree.
I had fought hard to forget,
that all my shame and all my regret,
All My Fear
All My Anger
All these jagged pieces
Are loved beyond belief.
That He loved me enough
To set me Free.
All this came flooding back to me.
And when I reached out for His hand,
It was there.
Not like YOU so many times before.
When i cried out to Him,
He took me into His arms.
He was everything I ever wanted.
So many nights I wished someone would love me unconditionally.
So many nights I wished someone could look past all my doubts and insecurities.
So many nights I wished someone like Him would come along.
I promised myself I would settle for ANYTHING similiar.
I wasted so much time running from Him,
when He was all I
needed
wanted.
So here I am, world, writing my Dear John letter to you.
Here are all your broken promises
and lies.
I don't want them any more.
Here are all your chains
I don't need them any more.
Here's the person you thought you could destroy.
Here's the person who tried so desperately to impress you.
Here's the insecruity, shame, rage, fear, doubt, and lies you gave to me.
I'm replacing them with confidence, honor, patience, and truth.
I am new.
and no matter what you do,
I have Him to Pull Me Through.
So Long World,
I found the best.
Nothing changed much?
or has everything changed?
You aren't exactly the most stable basis of morals or truths.
In fact, for most of my life I believed your lies.
And at first things went well.
I forgot all about the truths God had whispered
quietly into my young ears and heart
I decided that your loud bleating voice must be who I turned to.
So I filled myself with your pride,
with YOUR justice, and feel good attitude,
but you know what?
at the end of the day nothing had changed.
I was still empty.
I didn't hear it at the time,
but God was calling out to me.
I was so far away there were times His voice was just
a small echo reverberating through my mind.
I couldn't see it at the time,
but He was moving.
His hand was reaching out to me,
and I was the chasm seperating the two of us.
Just like the dark before the morning when everything is black
and all I could see was you,
skewing my view,
He was preparing a painting.
Just like the silence before the birds sing,
and all I could hear was your guilt driven shameful sorrow washing over me,
He was preparing a symphony.
And in that silence, that utter darkness
when I thought all was lost
and I was too far gone.
I felt His touch.
I heard His voice.
I saw His truth.
I had fought hard to forget,
that what I see is what I get.
His beauty,
His love,
All for me.
Paid at high cost
on that Blessed tree.
I had fought hard to forget,
that all my shame and all my regret,
All My Fear
All My Anger
All these jagged pieces
Are loved beyond belief.
That He loved me enough
To set me Free.
All this came flooding back to me.
And when I reached out for His hand,
It was there.
Not like YOU so many times before.
When i cried out to Him,
He took me into His arms.
He was everything I ever wanted.
So many nights I wished someone would love me unconditionally.
So many nights I wished someone could look past all my doubts and insecurities.
So many nights I wished someone like Him would come along.
I promised myself I would settle for ANYTHING similiar.
I wasted so much time running from Him,
when He was all I
needed
wanted.
So here I am, world, writing my Dear John letter to you.
Here are all your broken promises
and lies.
I don't want them any more.
Here are all your chains
I don't need them any more.
Here's the person you thought you could destroy.
Here's the person who tried so desperately to impress you.
Here's the insecruity, shame, rage, fear, doubt, and lies you gave to me.
I'm replacing them with confidence, honor, patience, and truth.
I am new.
and no matter what you do,
I have Him to Pull Me Through.
So Long World,
I found the best.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Realm of Possibilities
So, I’m coming to the end of my Senior year of high school, and I find myself feeling excited and extremely scared. Well, scared isn’t the correct word. I guess Anxious would be more exact. It’s like I’m at the precipice of complete freedom and ready to jump, but something is keeping me safe on the ground.
Which is cool and everything, I mean who wants to jump off a cliff and hit the ground, but maybe, just maybe I have a glider on my back and if i jump I could experience what it means to fly. Is it worth the jump?
Sometimes I want complete freedom. The freedom to make my own decisions, to live like I want to live, to go out and reach all my goals, but something keeps me back. it’s not the fear of the responsibilities like most adults think it is. I have no problem taking those on. I think it’s the fear of the unknown. No…
I guess it’s like that quote that everyone loves to put in movies. “Your biggest fear isn’t the fear of being inadequate, but that you are more powerful beyond measure.”
I’d say for that’s a big yes. Not to sound cocky, but I have been given many “gifts”. I’m talented in almost everything I do, so when people give me the advice of, “find something you love to do and go for it” doesn’t really help me. Cause, like any other normal human being you love to do what your good at.
Like, I’m not just “good” at things I excel at them. So, if I’m good in so many things what do I do? Yeah, I know, “Poor you, Miss I have more talent than I know what to do with. I feel really sorry for you.”
I know. I’ve heard it all before, but honestly I wish I knew which thing to pick. Because I enjoy doing all those things, but I don’t “love” any one of them.
My youth pastor asked us the other day, “When you think of one thing that is your thing, what is it? When other people look at you, what do they say is the thing you do?”
Well, depending on what other people know me for, they give me different answers. My parents say music. My friends say videos/film. Others say basketball. Teachers say writing. People I meet say I’m really funny, like stand up comic funny. It just depends. So, where’s my place in this world? I’m good at so many things, it’s like if I wasn’t good at anything. I wouldn’t know where I’d stand.
I’m not wanting to lose my “gifts”, nor do I want to find the ONE thing I can do for the rest of my life. I want to know why I was given all these talents and gifts, and what God wants me to do with all of them. There has got to be a reason.
Recently I made the decision to follow after God in the form of missions. Now, I don’t know if that means becoming a Missionary that travels the world, or a missionary to the people I’m around. Either way, it was just a declaration of giving my life completely to God. Every day of my life. Every thought. Every action. EVERTHING.
It’s funny. Nothing has “changed” per say. i mean, I’m not in a new city. I’m not in a foreign country. I’m not even out of high school. so superficially it seems that nothing has changed, but with that one action EVERYTHING has changed.
I feel like I opened the door of my life to God, and He’s leading me toward the precipice and not given me a glider but wings.
So, why do I feel stuck? I don’t know. I guess it’s the final countdown. He’s letting me finish what I’ve started here in this house, in this school, in this state of mind, and He’s getting me ready to let go.
Let go of all my doubts, and worries. All my anxious thoughts, all of my cares and desires. Everything. So, He can give me everything I’ve ever wanted.
I don’t know if that means marriage, or graduating from college. I have no clue, but I’m sure whatever it turns out to be it’ll be beyond my wildest dreams.
I can imagine what my life will be like 5 years from now, but I don’t see the accomplishments or my personal victories. When I see “myself” 5 years from now, I don’t see ME. I see Him. I see Him in every aspect of my life. I see Him in my heart, mind, soul. I see Him in every word, action, smile. I see myself talking to Him about everything. All my wants and needs. I see Him leading me to the Man I will marry. I see myself trusting Him even if I don’t ever get married. I see myself doing His work. I see myself dying for Him, happily joyously. I see myself seeing Him. That’s what I see.
It gets me excited. I want to jump now, but it’s not time. Not yet. It’s all in His good timing. I just have to be patient, and enjoy the ride of my lifetime.
Monday, April 12, 2010
The One I love
May he love you, oh Lord, today.
Anyone he meets may they see You in him.
Ready his spirit, oh Lord, against the evil one.
Keep him under your banner of protection, and let no one or thing bring him harm.
Everyday let him know you more.
With an able heart let him work after you.
In everything he does may it be to your glory.
Lead him in the right way and from evil.
Let him seek you in all that he does.
In anything that happens let him praise you.
All the day, may he depend on you.
May his family guard him and protect him throughout his day.
Send someone today to show him Your love.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Loneliness
What a despicable word! I live and breath by the power of an amazing Creator who despite everything Loves me, so how can I be lonely? I am never alone, truly alone because He is ALWAYS with me! So how do I feel this way?
Then again, it's not the typical I feel all alone in this world, I have no one loneliness. It's a deeper weirder loneliness. It's like I'm yearning for my "other half", my "husband". It's so odd. Really.
I'm not "lonely" when I'm with my friends, but there just seems to be something I don't know missing. But how can that be?
I HAVE the other half of me! The thing that makes me whole. Jesus! So how can I feel this way?
Well, I guess it's because eventhough I am whole, I'm not complete yet. As in my life is not complete yet. As in, I am MADE for someone. Ha! what a weird thought. I'm only 17, and I'm already yearning for the one who God has made me for. Maybe, it's just the fact that I'm being surrounded by such despair, and I'm feeling a little teenie bit weary.
HA! I had a moment this week, where I literally had a deja vu in reverse.
A year ago, I was in the shower pouring out my heart out to God, telling Him that I was tired of being the "weak" one. I was tired of being hated, and despised, weak and tired, and feeling useless as a friend. Then, this past week, on Sunday I found myself in the same exact place but the exact opposite. I almost told God that I was tired of being the "strong" one. I caught myself, chuckled and told God, "Wow! How can my heart change this fast Lord? I remember just last year I was complaining about being the "weak" one, and now I'm complaining about being the "strong" one. So, this is how fast my heart can change. This is how the Children of Israel did it. *chuckle*"
It was a sobering experience. So, instead of my silly childish response to everything that God has done through me this year I changed it to something that expressed my true desire, to have someone who I can be strong for and they can be strong for me too. Someone who I can "lean on" in sorts. Because I do have one amazing friend who is always there for me sometimes she doesn't really notice, and the other sister I have sometimes just doesn't know. I know I should be more open, but even I still harbor a fear of rejection. I can handle it in many places in my life, sports, relationships, life in general, but when it comes to pouring out my heart in worship or dealing with my raw emotions the only one I trust is God. I'm sure there is at least one person out there who i can just one day be able to break down and cry on their shoulder, but as for now God is the only shoulder I need.
Then again, it's not the typical I feel all alone in this world, I have no one loneliness. It's a deeper weirder loneliness. It's like I'm yearning for my "other half", my "husband". It's so odd. Really.
I'm not "lonely" when I'm with my friends, but there just seems to be something I don't know missing. But how can that be?
I HAVE the other half of me! The thing that makes me whole. Jesus! So how can I feel this way?
Well, I guess it's because eventhough I am whole, I'm not complete yet. As in my life is not complete yet. As in, I am MADE for someone. Ha! what a weird thought. I'm only 17, and I'm already yearning for the one who God has made me for. Maybe, it's just the fact that I'm being surrounded by such despair, and I'm feeling a little teenie bit weary.
HA! I had a moment this week, where I literally had a deja vu in reverse.
A year ago, I was in the shower pouring out my heart out to God, telling Him that I was tired of being the "weak" one. I was tired of being hated, and despised, weak and tired, and feeling useless as a friend. Then, this past week, on Sunday I found myself in the same exact place but the exact opposite. I almost told God that I was tired of being the "strong" one. I caught myself, chuckled and told God, "Wow! How can my heart change this fast Lord? I remember just last year I was complaining about being the "weak" one, and now I'm complaining about being the "strong" one. So, this is how fast my heart can change. This is how the Children of Israel did it. *chuckle*"
It was a sobering experience. So, instead of my silly childish response to everything that God has done through me this year I changed it to something that expressed my true desire, to have someone who I can be strong for and they can be strong for me too. Someone who I can "lean on" in sorts. Because I do have one amazing friend who is always there for me sometimes she doesn't really notice, and the other sister I have sometimes just doesn't know. I know I should be more open, but even I still harbor a fear of rejection. I can handle it in many places in my life, sports, relationships, life in general, but when it comes to pouring out my heart in worship or dealing with my raw emotions the only one I trust is God. I'm sure there is at least one person out there who i can just one day be able to break down and cry on their shoulder, but as for now God is the only shoulder I need.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
True Fellowship!
So, it's been a little while since I've written on here. Mainly because school has just begun and volleyball has commenced taking up my computer time so I will now write on here on the weekends. That's when I'll write about whatever happened over the previous week or any particular strikes of inspiration.
I read a friend's blog yesterday and it moved me. The circumstances, well the happenstance of the music that was playing while I read it was absolutely miraculous. If you haven't checked out my friend Haley on Youtube go look her up. Type Haley&Delaney or the channel name thehaleyshaw. She's one of the most amzing people I have ever met. The particular song I'm talking about is called "Te amo". It's one of the best songs I've ever heard. It always moves me. Anyway I was reading my friend's blog, and as I read it I was moved almost to tears. Because the words I was reading corresponded to the heartfelt lyrics of the song, but the part that really got me was when my friend happened to mention me. She didn't say my name, but she mentioned a conversation that we had had. The realization was incredible. Here was my friend, my "dear friend" pouring out her heart in a blog about what the Lord has done for her, and she counted me as one of her many blessings. I can't help but be moved. In ways I haven't even imagined God has used me. Ways that I don't even recognize. He has used me even in all my state. God is AMAZING!!! It really is amazing the power of just loving someone in one converstion, in one word, in one hug (=]) in one moment. I thank god for putting me in her life, and hers in mine. For almost a year I went to my church, despite angry/disapproving parents, all alone, and then He gave me one of the best friends I've ever had. It's amazing. I almost can't remember going there without her. All the saddness, all the grief, all the pain, all the memories of the lonely hours all alone in that huge building or the tears I cried almost every week having to leave it without anyone to share my joy have all faded away. God gave me her to help me cope with all this parental drama, and to encourage me. AND boy is she an encouragement! She has helped to tear down the rest of my own "Berlin Walls" in my life. She has helped me (even if she can't believe it) to open up more to people. Maybe not in speech or in deed, but in relationships. She was the first person I didn't torture at the start of our friendship. My anger, my rage and all that other baggage was subsided when God put her in my life, and all with one phrase, "Hello, love!"
She may not say that anymore, but that one term of endearment disarmed me and her gentle loving spirit helped to mend things in my life that, even I (the over annalytical one who can figure out the deepest meanings of life and circumstance...hahaha!) until now hadn't realized.
She is an amazing person! God has brought her so far even just in the last 7 months. I can't even belive its only been that long since our friendship started to bloom. I can't imagine not standing side by side with her in the presence of the Almighty lifting our voices in songs of praise and worship! I can't!
I thank Him for every shy, intreverted (though, it is no longer!), hurting, aching, loving, compassionate, kind, gentle, incredibly human part of her because even with all her weaknesses and all of mine, even with all our wonderful God-given strengths, even with all our baggage from our broken or disfunctional families and all our doubts, worries, fears and sadness God has changed us! He has Loved us, and He will USE us! I know now, without a shadow of a doubt and I want to make it known to her and the world (because I don't think I've told her yet) that I love her and I would die for her! I love ya Jessica!
This 7 months of friendship has been some of the sweetest moments of my twisted traumatic wonderfully broken life, and i thank God for you!
I read a friend's blog yesterday and it moved me. The circumstances, well the happenstance of the music that was playing while I read it was absolutely miraculous. If you haven't checked out my friend Haley on Youtube go look her up. Type Haley&Delaney or the channel name thehaleyshaw. She's one of the most amzing people I have ever met. The particular song I'm talking about is called "Te amo". It's one of the best songs I've ever heard. It always moves me. Anyway I was reading my friend's blog, and as I read it I was moved almost to tears. Because the words I was reading corresponded to the heartfelt lyrics of the song, but the part that really got me was when my friend happened to mention me. She didn't say my name, but she mentioned a conversation that we had had. The realization was incredible. Here was my friend, my "dear friend" pouring out her heart in a blog about what the Lord has done for her, and she counted me as one of her many blessings. I can't help but be moved. In ways I haven't even imagined God has used me. Ways that I don't even recognize. He has used me even in all my state. God is AMAZING!!! It really is amazing the power of just loving someone in one converstion, in one word, in one hug (=]) in one moment. I thank god for putting me in her life, and hers in mine. For almost a year I went to my church, despite angry/disapproving parents, all alone, and then He gave me one of the best friends I've ever had. It's amazing. I almost can't remember going there without her. All the saddness, all the grief, all the pain, all the memories of the lonely hours all alone in that huge building or the tears I cried almost every week having to leave it without anyone to share my joy have all faded away. God gave me her to help me cope with all this parental drama, and to encourage me. AND boy is she an encouragement! She has helped to tear down the rest of my own "Berlin Walls" in my life. She has helped me (even if she can't believe it) to open up more to people. Maybe not in speech or in deed, but in relationships. She was the first person I didn't torture at the start of our friendship. My anger, my rage and all that other baggage was subsided when God put her in my life, and all with one phrase, "Hello, love!"
She may not say that anymore, but that one term of endearment disarmed me and her gentle loving spirit helped to mend things in my life that, even I (the over annalytical one who can figure out the deepest meanings of life and circumstance...hahaha!) until now hadn't realized.
She is an amazing person! God has brought her so far even just in the last 7 months. I can't even belive its only been that long since our friendship started to bloom. I can't imagine not standing side by side with her in the presence of the Almighty lifting our voices in songs of praise and worship! I can't!
I thank Him for every shy, intreverted (though, it is no longer!), hurting, aching, loving, compassionate, kind, gentle, incredibly human part of her because even with all her weaknesses and all of mine, even with all our wonderful God-given strengths, even with all our baggage from our broken or disfunctional families and all our doubts, worries, fears and sadness God has changed us! He has Loved us, and He will USE us! I know now, without a shadow of a doubt and I want to make it known to her and the world (because I don't think I've told her yet) that I love her and I would die for her! I love ya Jessica!
This 7 months of friendship has been some of the sweetest moments of my twisted traumatic wonderfully broken life, and i thank God for you!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
x-week
So, the past 3 days at my church have been what's called X-week. It was amazing! I had such a great time! and not just the whole spending time with my friends. I loved just being with people who were worshiping God all at the same time. The energy was amazing! Usually, i feel like i'm on display during our worship, so i usually don't raise my hands. i don't want to attract attention to myself and take away from someone else's worship, but when I was there the past few days I felt like I was completely alone with God. I was surrounded by over a hundred people, but I felt completely alone with my Creator. It was a marvelous feeling. The intimacy, the closeness, the utter nakedness (not literally, that would be weird) of it all. It was like nothing I have ever experienced. It was absolutely miraculous. I felt completely free to pray, to sing, to clap, to dance, to raise my hands, to cry, to scream, to do anything that I needed to commune with my Father. Even after the worship was over the message was so powerful. It was about just being Still and knowing He is God. On Thursday after the first service on Wednesday, I found myself craving that closeness with God. I found small times throughout the day just to talk to Him, just to be like, "Hey, You're God! and You're Amazing! You give me breathe, you give me sight, legs to walk on, you make me whole."
What was even more interesting, I was sitting next to my best friends, and a guy who I wish could be a close friend, and It was like they weren't there, but we were somehow connected. Not just them, but all the believers in that room. I could feel the presence of God, just like when He spoke to me in that room just a little over a year and a half ago. The same intimacy. It was AMAZING! I hope all of you who read this feels the presence of God like that at least once in your life. If you do, You'll never want to be separate from Him ever again!
What was even more interesting, I was sitting next to my best friends, and a guy who I wish could be a close friend, and It was like they weren't there, but we were somehow connected. Not just them, but all the believers in that room. I could feel the presence of God, just like when He spoke to me in that room just a little over a year and a half ago. The same intimacy. It was AMAZING! I hope all of you who read this feels the presence of God like that at least once in your life. If you do, You'll never want to be separate from Him ever again!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
HOLD MY HEART
Alright so here is the long awaited publication of this onto this blog...just kidding no one cares if I post this. But it goes smack dab in the middle of my last post where I mention it. I wrote this a while back on my other blog, and it's extremely emotional for me. I can't even bring myself to read it again. If you wonder why I love tenth avenue north so much and you have a lot of spare time go ahead and read it. It's long and ugly, so be prepared.
A few weeks ago, I had one of the hardest moments of my life both emotionally and spiritually. I have had "worse" things happen to me in my life, but because this involved my parents and their anger towards me and my decision to join a new church, it grew to be one of the hardest nights of my life.
The day had started like any other. I was running around getting ready for school and running around trying to find my jersey for the basketball team pictures later on that day. My mother told me to tell my dad whether or not we had practice just in case the pictures run long. I didn't know that she had already told him our practice ended at 6.
I went about my day as normal until we got to practice. The rest of the girls didn't know if we had practice either, but after our pictures we learned we had practice until 5 because the junior high had a game. When our coach got to the gym he decided to hold us over until 6. No big deal, because that was what practice was supposed to end.
Well, I called my dad to let him know we just got out of practice. He got all upset cause he wasn't there yet, being stuck in traffic and all that drama. (My dad is a little melodramatic.) It just so happened that night was a Drama Production and I had really wanted to go. I asked him if I could, and he got really upset with me telling me that I should have told him before so that he would have to get up. I explained to him we weren't sure that we had practice or not, because we had pictures and that junior high had a game.
He went off on me. Calling me a liar, because my mother had already told him we had practice till 6. Yelling at me that I had known all day that we had practice, but didn't care enough to call and ask earlier. I kept telling him that I hadn't known. Picture days are always different and that with the junior high game we didn't have the gym. He kept insisting and screaming at me that I was lying. I was trying not to make a scene because I was on the phone, but I was on the verge of tears. How could keep telling me I was a liar? I was telling the truth and he wasn't listening. I should have known to stop talking. I was just digging me a deeper whole, but it was breaking my heart that he didn't believe me. He started bashing me. Telling me, "YOU'RE A LIAR!!! I KNOW HOW YOU TREAT YOUR MOTHER!! YOU MAY GET AWAY WITH LYING WITH HER, BUT NOT WITH ME." He kept on like that for what felt like a lifetime. Somehow, I can't even remember how, but he got so mad that he pulled me out of basketball. He literally, went to my coach and told me that I was no longer going to be a part of this team.
It took everything I could just to stay standing. My heart was broken and it was beginning to shatter. I walked into the bathroom before we left to wipe my eyes before the tears began to flow, and I prayed to the Lord. "Lord, I don't know why this is happening, but if you want me to go through this, then I'm going to need your help. There is no way I can make it through this night on my own."
My father was so angry, and I knew if I started crying it would only make things worse. What could I do? I just kept praying to the Lord for my father not to push the subject. Just let him cool off on the ride home, but that wasn't the Lord's plan. He was using that moment, that conversation to put to rest other things that had been weighing my heart down. I had to go through the fire before I could feel any peace. Let me tell you right now, the next few hours after I closed that car door changed my entire outlook. Everything I went through was worth it in the end because God moved. He moved my parents hearts. He was starting to open a door they had not realized had closed and I was his tool. Believe me it was hard, but I just kept thinking about that song I had prayed so many times.
"When the whole world turns against me,
and I'm all by myself,
and I can't hear You answer my cries for help.
I'll remember the suffering your Love put You through.
And I WILL go through the FIRE if You want me to."
Once I had gotten into the car my father continued with his argument. Asking me, "WHY??? WHY DO TREAT ME AND YOUR MOTHER THIS WAY?? HUH? WHY DO YOU TREAT US LIKE WE'RE STUPID? WHY DO YOU CONSTANTLY LIE TO US? WHY? JUST ANSWER ME THAT?"
All I could mutter was, "I'm not lying. I'm telling you the truth."
That threw him into a raged. He kept yelling and I curled up into a ball against the side of the door. I was to afraid of his anger to even look at him. The tears were flowing now.
I asked him, "Why don't you believe me?"
"Your mother already told me that you had practice till 6.
I said, "It's picture day. Picture days are always different."
"YOU KNOW I WOULD BELIEVE THAT IF YOUR MOTHER WOULDN'T HAVE TOLD ME ALREADY THAT YOU HAD PRACTICE TILL 6. YA SEE, THAT'S HOW I KNOW YOUR LYING! STOP LYING TO ME."
"I'm not."
I continued to explain, but my explanation had fallen on deaf ears. I knew I should have been quiet, but I was tired of him calling me a liar. I wasn't lying. I kept telling him the truth, but he wouldn't listen. When he hit the dashboard it took every single part of my Will to keep me in that car. We were still parked, and every cell in my body wanted to run.
He kept bashing other parts of my life.
"Why do you treat us like we're STUPID! DO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?! HUH? CAUSE IF YOU DO, I PUT YOU OUT THERE ON THE STREETS where you can KNOW AND DO EVERYTHING ON YOUR OWN! IF THAT WHAT YOU WANT? CAUSE I HAVE NO PROBLEM DOING THAT! YOU THINK I NEED THIS KIND OF STRESS. Cause i don't. I can pull you out of this school, MAKE MY LIFE A WHOLE LOT EASIER."
I couldn't answer him. If I did I'd end up never seeing my parents ever again. I wanted to take him up on his offer to put me out on the streets. I'd do anything just to make him happy. If I was such a burden it would be better for me to go live on the street and die alone without hurting anybody else, but I had promised myself that I would never run away. Never. No matter how bad things got, I would stay and tough it out because I at least owed my parents that much, so I dismissed that thought quickly.
He continued to list off all my indiscretions. I knew he was right, and I stupidly said, "I know."
"YOU KNOW?"
"I MEAN...I MEAN YOU'RE RIGHT! I DO THOSE THINGS, AND I SHOULDN'T, " I scrambled to correct my wording his anger was boiling and I was stroking the flames.
Not to long after that my father and I were on the road. Heading home. I kept begging the Lord to let us make it home in one piece. I begged him to save one piece of my heart because I knew it was only going to get worse. I was weeping and my head hurt so bad. I could barely see and my chest hurt from crying.
My father looked at my deportment and snickered, "You sure got your act down pack. If I didn't already know any better I'd believe those tears were real, but ya see I'm smarter than that."
That one cold statement froze the pieces of my heart left. I couldn't believe he could ever say something like that. He didn't believe anything about me. He didn't know anything about me. He thought he did, but he didn't. I was, am different from who I was. How could he sit there and judge me on what I used to be. What I still struggled to overcome. The difference between who I was and who I am was that I cared. And the Evil Once was using who I had been to try and destroy what I was becoming. I felt a whole ripping inside of my chest.
My father brought up again who I had treated my mom. I knew he was right. I treated her horribly. With such disdain and disrespect. My heart hurt even worse now. Not for what my father had said necessarily, but because I knew it was true. I had tried to change that months before, but circumstance would influence my efforts. My mother was angry. Some of the things she had said to me before I knew weren't true, but they still hurt. Leaving little tears here and there in my heart, making it easier to shatter on this long ride home. They were horrible things. My mother had told me more than once before that "I was the reason people killed themselves, why innocent babies die at birth and why we have war in this country." All because of me.
I tried to tell him, I was trying, but he wouldn't listen. I tried to be gentle. Telling him that my mom had said and done things that caused me to react. I told him I knew that I shouldn't have reacted those ways, but I did.
He wouldn't have that. Me, accusing my mother of wrong-doing when it was so "clearly obvious that I was the reason she had said those things". I caused it all.
I had been through that statement before, and I knew it wasn't true. God had showed me that not everything can be caused by one person alone. It couldn't have all been me. I can't/don't hold that much power.
I held on to that truth for dear life. It was all I had, and the Lord had already given it to me, possibly for this moment. My father still wouldn't listen. So I told him some of the things my mother had said.
I had never seen my father that angry. He probably turned purple, but the road we were on was dark with no street lights, sparing me from his entire reaction.
He screamed, "THAT'S A BOLD FACE LIE! THAT'S A BOLD FACE LIE!" hitting the dash as hard as he could, literally yelling at the top of his lungs. With ever strike against the car and moved closer and closer to the door. I was scared. I was afraid he was going to hit me. I prayed to the Lord to help my father keep his promise to Him. (My father had promised to God that once he had gotten married and had kids, he would do what his father did. Beat his children. He vowed to never lay his had on any one of us.) I knew my father would never purposely hit me, but I know all to well what anger can do to a person. I used to be that angry. I prayed to the Lord to calm him so that he wouldn't do something that he would regret, because that alone would destroy him. If he ever let himself get to that place that would kill him before any earthly thing could touch him. I prayed hard for my father. I was tired of hurting my parents, and I didn't want to be the reason he lost control.
My father continued to scream, but he no longer hit the dash and I could tell he was becoming as weary as I was.
"YOUR MOTHER WOULD NEVER SAY ANYTHING LIKE THAT TO YOU! SHE LOVES YOU! SHE WOULD DIE FOR YOU...SHE ALMOST DID DIE FOR YOU!"
I couldn't believe he'd said that. If there was any part of my heart unbroken it was shattered with that statement. After the shock settled, and I realized he'd really said it. I knew how angry I had made him, and then I was angry. Not with him, but with myself. My father would not have normally said that and I couldn't believe he really had. New tears flowed. No longer tears of fear or anger, but of sorrow.
My father had really lost that much faith in me that he would stoop that low in order to hurt me enough that I would back down.
(You see, my mother had a hard labor with me. I almost killed her. Once I was born she started to bleed out, and she had to get a hysterectomy. I'm the reason she can't have anymore children, and that has always bothered me. It's the deepest possible hurt I have concerning my parents. If one thing would have gone wrong I wouldn't have had a mother, and my life would be completely different.)
We both remained silent the rest of the ride home. We were both exhausted, and I was hurt beyond repair (so I thought).
My mother happened to call, and I had thought it was over but my father explained to her that we all had some serious talking to do.
I was so tired. I went up into my room. I couldn't feel anything but pain. I prayed hard to the Lord. I cried my eyes out, but before I did anything else I put in a new CD my mother had bought me and it was in those lyrics I found my heart's song to the Lord and His response.
The first song I prayed hard was called "Hold My Heart":
"How long must I pray
Must I pray to you?
How long must I wait,
Must I wait for you?
How long till I see your face,
See you shining through?
I'm on my knees
Begging you to notice me.
I'm on my knees
Father will you turn to me.
ONE TEAR IN THE DRIVING RAIN
ONE VOICE IN A SEA OF PAIN
COULD THE MAKER OF THE STARS
HEAR THE SOUND OF MY BREAKING HEART
ONE LIFE, THAT'S ALL I AM
RIGHT NOW I CAN BARELY STAND
IF YOU'RE EVERYTHING YOU SAY YOU ARE
WOULD YOU COME CLOSE
AND HOLD MY HEART
I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why
I'M ON MY KNEES
BEGGING YOU TO TURN TO ME
I'M ON MY KNEES
FATHER WILL YOU RUN TO ME
ONE TEAR IN THE DRIVING RAIN
ONE VOICE IN A SEA OF PAIN
COULD THE MAKER OF THE STARS
HEAR THE SOUND OF MY BREAKING HEART
ONE LIFE, THAT'S ALL I AM
RIGHT NOW I CAN BARELY STAND
IF YOU'RE EVERYTHING YOU SAY YOU ARE
WOULD YOU COME CLOSE
AND HOLD MY HEART
So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear you call my name
To hear you call my name
ONE TEAR IN THE DRIVING RAIN
ONE VOICE IN A SEA OF PAIN
COULD THE MAKER OF THE STARS
HEAR THE SOUND OF MY BREAKING HEART
ONE LIFE, THAT'S ALL I AM
RIGHT NOW I CAN BARELY STAND
IF YOU'RE EVERYTHING YOU SAY YOU ARE
WOULD YOU COME CLOSE
AND HOLD MY HEART
HOLD MY HEART
WOULD YOU HOLD MY HEART
HOLD MY HEART?"
I cried and screamed and prayed this song at the top of my lungs. Over and over again I prayed that chorus. I was pouring my heart out to him, begging to hear me and calm my parents. To let them understand. In the midst of my praying I tried to believe what my father had told me. That I was a liar. I tried so hard to believe that what I was saying was a lie. That my mother never had really said those things that I made them up. That it really was my fault, but the Lord wouldn't let me. He kept whispering "It's the truth. Believe the truth."
Then the next song on the album played and the first part of it really gave me comfort.
It's called "Times"
"I know I need You
I need to love You
I'd love to see You but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
I need to hear You
Is that so wrong?
(I was telling him how I felt with those lyrics. That I really did need his help, even through those trial. If he wanted me to go through them I'd need him right there.)
Now You pull me near You
When we're close I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You all that I've done
Are you done forgiving?
Can You look past my pretending?
I'm so tired of defending what I've become
What have I become?
But I hear you Say
MY LOVE IS OVER
IT'S UNDERNEATH
IT'S INSIDE
AND IN BETWEEN
The times you doubt me
And when you can't feel
The times you question
Is this for real?
The times that you're broken
The times that you mend
The times you hate me
And the times that you bend
MY LOVE IS OVER
IT'S UNDERNEATH
IT'S INSIDE
AND IN BETWEEN
The times that you're healing
And when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen
from grace
The times that you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
In times of confusion
In chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
I'm there in your heart-ache
I'm there through the storm
My love I will keep you by my power alone
I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends
It never ends”
This song really helped me calm my spirit, and the next song that came on. Touched my heart, and when it was over I realized my heart that I thought was broken beyond repair was whole again.
IT's called "Beloved"
I like to call it "God's love song to us"
"Love of my Life
Look deep in My eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life
The lust and the lies
And the past your afraid I might see
You've been running away from me
YOU'RE MY BELOVED LOVER
I'M YOURS
DEATH SHALL NOT PART US
IT'S YOU I DIED FOR
FOR BETTER OR WORSE
FOREVER WE'LL BE
MY LOVE IT UNITES US AND IT BINDS YOU TO ME
IT'S A MYSTERY
Love of my Life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Come running home to me
YOU'RE MY BELOVED LOVER
I'M YOURS
DEATH SHALL NOT PART US
IT'S YOU I DIED FOR
FOR BETTER OR WORSE
FOREVER WE'LL BE
MY LOVE IT UNITES US AND IT BINDS YOU TO ME
IT'S A MYSTERY
You've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers that won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips and you'll taste new life
YOU'RE MY BELOVED LOVER
I'M YOURS
DEATH SHALL NOT PART US
IT'S YOU I DIED FOR
FOR BETTER OR WORSE
FOREVER WE'LL BE
MY LOVE IT UNITES US AND IT BINDS YOU TO ME
IT'S A MYSTERY"
After I had poured my soul out to the Lord for what was an hour and a half, I turned to my Bible, and immediately I found this scripture.
PSALM 31:
"1 In you, O LORD, do I take refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
in your righteousness deliver me! 2Incline your ear to me;
rescue me speedily! Be a rock of refuge for me,
a strong fortress to save me!
3For you are my rock and my fortress;
and for your name’s sake you lead me and guide me; 4you take me out of the net they have hidden for me,
for you are my refuge. 5Into your hand I commit my spirit;
you have redeemed me, O LORD, faithful God.
6 I hate those who pay regard to worthless idols,
but I trust in the LORD. 7I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
because you have seen my affliction;
you have known the distress of my soul, 8and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;
you have set my feet in a broad place.
9Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also. 10For my life is spent with sorrow,
and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my iniquity,
and my bones waste away.
11Because of all my adversaries I have become a reproach,
especially to my neighbors, and an object of dread to my acquaintances;
those who see me in the street flee from me. 12I have been forgotten like one who is dead;
I have become like a broken vessel. 13For I hear the whispering of many—
terror on every side!— as they scheme together against me,
as they plot to take my life.
14But I trust in you, O LORD;
I say, "You are my God." 15My times are in your hand;
rescue me from the hand of my enemies and from my persecutors! 16 Make your face shine on your servant;
save me in your steadfast love! 17O LORD, let me not be put to shame,
for I call upon you; let the wicked be put to shame;
let them go silently to Sheol. 18Let the lying lips be mute,
which speak insolently against the righteous
in pride and contempt.
19Oh, how abundant is your goodness,
which you have stored up for those who fear you and worked for those who take refuge in you,
in the sight of the children of mankind! 20Inthe cover of your presence you hide them
from the plots of men; you store them in your shelter
from the strife of tongues.
21Blessed be the LORD,
for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me
when I was in a besieged city. 22I had said in my alarm,
"I am cut off from your sight."But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy
when I cried to you for help.
23Love the LORD, all you his saints!
The LORD preserves the faithful
but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride. 24 Be strong, and let your heart take courage,
all you who wait for the LORD!”
After reading this I prayed one final time letting the Lord know that I knew he would be with me when I went to go talk to my parents, and that I would wait on him to "save me in his steadfast love" and help heal this hurt between me and my parents.
After praying, I put down my Bible and I let the music play. I started my homework and waited for my parents to call me. When my father came to knock on my door this one song just happened to be playing. It gave me hope and kinda made me laugh. Only God has this kinda timing.
"By Your side":
"Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love?
Tell me why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?
CAUSE I'LL BE BY YOUR SIDE WHEREVER YOU FALL
IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT WHEREVER YOU CALL
PLEASE DON'T FIGHT THESE HANDS THAT ARE HOLDING YOU
MY HANDS ARE HOLDING YOU"
No one out there can hear those lyrics as you go to face the storm and not take heart.
The next following moments were the most miraculous moments of my 16 years. My father was no longer angry. My mother and father had talked for the 2 hours I was in my room. The Lord had moved mountains. I was in awe of God and his power. As we sat there we began to talk. My parents apologized to me for not believing me and for the things they had said. I apologized for my end because I was a major contributor to the trouble. I couldn't help but feel joy on the inside. My heart felt like it was stitched up and already beginning the process of healing. God could have completely taken that hurting feeling away, but I think he wanted me to remember that feeling so that it would inspire me to change my ways. To remind me of what he had done and what he could do.
When my father apologized for calling me a liar, it was like my heart opened inside my chest. I felt it bursting inside. I was so happy and overjoyed. He had faith in me again, and I was determined to keep it. I never wanted my father to ever lose that much faith in me again.
“The long night was over and gone. I thought once this dark would last for so long, but I feel the sunlight on my face. [He] has brought me to this place. Jesus, You found me. Through the long night and you set me free.” (Barlow Girl)
The next day I still bore the effects on my face. My face was pale from the stress, my eyes were swollen and tired from the crying my head still ached, but on my face I wore a smile. The Lord had restored my parent’s and mine relationship. I had more joy in my heart then I had had in a really long time, and I’m proud to say that it has continued to this day and will. I may get angry. I may get sad, but I will always have this to remember when God was good to me, and how good he will remain.
Our God is an Awesome God. He is wonderful and powerful. He will protect his children, and he is worth following. He has done more for me than most people may see in a lifetime, and I have my life to thank him with. It’s all I have in this work, but for him it’s enough.
A few weeks ago, I had one of the hardest moments of my life both emotionally and spiritually. I have had "worse" things happen to me in my life, but because this involved my parents and their anger towards me and my decision to join a new church, it grew to be one of the hardest nights of my life.
The day had started like any other. I was running around getting ready for school and running around trying to find my jersey for the basketball team pictures later on that day. My mother told me to tell my dad whether or not we had practice just in case the pictures run long. I didn't know that she had already told him our practice ended at 6.
I went about my day as normal until we got to practice. The rest of the girls didn't know if we had practice either, but after our pictures we learned we had practice until 5 because the junior high had a game. When our coach got to the gym he decided to hold us over until 6. No big deal, because that was what practice was supposed to end.
Well, I called my dad to let him know we just got out of practice. He got all upset cause he wasn't there yet, being stuck in traffic and all that drama. (My dad is a little melodramatic.) It just so happened that night was a Drama Production and I had really wanted to go. I asked him if I could, and he got really upset with me telling me that I should have told him before so that he would have to get up. I explained to him we weren't sure that we had practice or not, because we had pictures and that junior high had a game.
He went off on me. Calling me a liar, because my mother had already told him we had practice till 6. Yelling at me that I had known all day that we had practice, but didn't care enough to call and ask earlier. I kept telling him that I hadn't known. Picture days are always different and that with the junior high game we didn't have the gym. He kept insisting and screaming at me that I was lying. I was trying not to make a scene because I was on the phone, but I was on the verge of tears. How could keep telling me I was a liar? I was telling the truth and he wasn't listening. I should have known to stop talking. I was just digging me a deeper whole, but it was breaking my heart that he didn't believe me. He started bashing me. Telling me, "YOU'RE A LIAR!!! I KNOW HOW YOU TREAT YOUR MOTHER!! YOU MAY GET AWAY WITH LYING WITH HER, BUT NOT WITH ME." He kept on like that for what felt like a lifetime. Somehow, I can't even remember how, but he got so mad that he pulled me out of basketball. He literally, went to my coach and told me that I was no longer going to be a part of this team.
It took everything I could just to stay standing. My heart was broken and it was beginning to shatter. I walked into the bathroom before we left to wipe my eyes before the tears began to flow, and I prayed to the Lord. "Lord, I don't know why this is happening, but if you want me to go through this, then I'm going to need your help. There is no way I can make it through this night on my own."
My father was so angry, and I knew if I started crying it would only make things worse. What could I do? I just kept praying to the Lord for my father not to push the subject. Just let him cool off on the ride home, but that wasn't the Lord's plan. He was using that moment, that conversation to put to rest other things that had been weighing my heart down. I had to go through the fire before I could feel any peace. Let me tell you right now, the next few hours after I closed that car door changed my entire outlook. Everything I went through was worth it in the end because God moved. He moved my parents hearts. He was starting to open a door they had not realized had closed and I was his tool. Believe me it was hard, but I just kept thinking about that song I had prayed so many times.
"When the whole world turns against me,
and I'm all by myself,
and I can't hear You answer my cries for help.
I'll remember the suffering your Love put You through.
And I WILL go through the FIRE if You want me to."
Once I had gotten into the car my father continued with his argument. Asking me, "WHY??? WHY DO TREAT ME AND YOUR MOTHER THIS WAY?? HUH? WHY DO YOU TREAT US LIKE WE'RE STUPID? WHY DO YOU CONSTANTLY LIE TO US? WHY? JUST ANSWER ME THAT?"
All I could mutter was, "I'm not lying. I'm telling you the truth."
That threw him into a raged. He kept yelling and I curled up into a ball against the side of the door. I was to afraid of his anger to even look at him. The tears were flowing now.
I asked him, "Why don't you believe me?"
"Your mother already told me that you had practice till 6.
I said, "It's picture day. Picture days are always different."
"YOU KNOW I WOULD BELIEVE THAT IF YOUR MOTHER WOULDN'T HAVE TOLD ME ALREADY THAT YOU HAD PRACTICE TILL 6. YA SEE, THAT'S HOW I KNOW YOUR LYING! STOP LYING TO ME."
"I'm not."
I continued to explain, but my explanation had fallen on deaf ears. I knew I should have been quiet, but I was tired of him calling me a liar. I wasn't lying. I kept telling him the truth, but he wouldn't listen. When he hit the dashboard it took every single part of my Will to keep me in that car. We were still parked, and every cell in my body wanted to run.
He kept bashing other parts of my life.
"Why do you treat us like we're STUPID! DO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?! HUH? CAUSE IF YOU DO, I PUT YOU OUT THERE ON THE STREETS where you can KNOW AND DO EVERYTHING ON YOUR OWN! IF THAT WHAT YOU WANT? CAUSE I HAVE NO PROBLEM DOING THAT! YOU THINK I NEED THIS KIND OF STRESS. Cause i don't. I can pull you out of this school, MAKE MY LIFE A WHOLE LOT EASIER."
I couldn't answer him. If I did I'd end up never seeing my parents ever again. I wanted to take him up on his offer to put me out on the streets. I'd do anything just to make him happy. If I was such a burden it would be better for me to go live on the street and die alone without hurting anybody else, but I had promised myself that I would never run away. Never. No matter how bad things got, I would stay and tough it out because I at least owed my parents that much, so I dismissed that thought quickly.
He continued to list off all my indiscretions. I knew he was right, and I stupidly said, "I know."
"YOU KNOW?"
"I MEAN...I MEAN YOU'RE RIGHT! I DO THOSE THINGS, AND I SHOULDN'T, " I scrambled to correct my wording his anger was boiling and I was stroking the flames.
Not to long after that my father and I were on the road. Heading home. I kept begging the Lord to let us make it home in one piece. I begged him to save one piece of my heart because I knew it was only going to get worse. I was weeping and my head hurt so bad. I could barely see and my chest hurt from crying.
My father looked at my deportment and snickered, "You sure got your act down pack. If I didn't already know any better I'd believe those tears were real, but ya see I'm smarter than that."
That one cold statement froze the pieces of my heart left. I couldn't believe he could ever say something like that. He didn't believe anything about me. He didn't know anything about me. He thought he did, but he didn't. I was, am different from who I was. How could he sit there and judge me on what I used to be. What I still struggled to overcome. The difference between who I was and who I am was that I cared. And the Evil Once was using who I had been to try and destroy what I was becoming. I felt a whole ripping inside of my chest.
My father brought up again who I had treated my mom. I knew he was right. I treated her horribly. With such disdain and disrespect. My heart hurt even worse now. Not for what my father had said necessarily, but because I knew it was true. I had tried to change that months before, but circumstance would influence my efforts. My mother was angry. Some of the things she had said to me before I knew weren't true, but they still hurt. Leaving little tears here and there in my heart, making it easier to shatter on this long ride home. They were horrible things. My mother had told me more than once before that "I was the reason people killed themselves, why innocent babies die at birth and why we have war in this country." All because of me.
I tried to tell him, I was trying, but he wouldn't listen. I tried to be gentle. Telling him that my mom had said and done things that caused me to react. I told him I knew that I shouldn't have reacted those ways, but I did.
He wouldn't have that. Me, accusing my mother of wrong-doing when it was so "clearly obvious that I was the reason she had said those things". I caused it all.
I had been through that statement before, and I knew it wasn't true. God had showed me that not everything can be caused by one person alone. It couldn't have all been me. I can't/don't hold that much power.
I held on to that truth for dear life. It was all I had, and the Lord had already given it to me, possibly for this moment. My father still wouldn't listen. So I told him some of the things my mother had said.
I had never seen my father that angry. He probably turned purple, but the road we were on was dark with no street lights, sparing me from his entire reaction.
He screamed, "THAT'S A BOLD FACE LIE! THAT'S A BOLD FACE LIE!" hitting the dash as hard as he could, literally yelling at the top of his lungs. With ever strike against the car and moved closer and closer to the door. I was scared. I was afraid he was going to hit me. I prayed to the Lord to help my father keep his promise to Him. (My father had promised to God that once he had gotten married and had kids, he would do what his father did. Beat his children. He vowed to never lay his had on any one of us.) I knew my father would never purposely hit me, but I know all to well what anger can do to a person. I used to be that angry. I prayed to the Lord to calm him so that he wouldn't do something that he would regret, because that alone would destroy him. If he ever let himself get to that place that would kill him before any earthly thing could touch him. I prayed hard for my father. I was tired of hurting my parents, and I didn't want to be the reason he lost control.
My father continued to scream, but he no longer hit the dash and I could tell he was becoming as weary as I was.
"YOUR MOTHER WOULD NEVER SAY ANYTHING LIKE THAT TO YOU! SHE LOVES YOU! SHE WOULD DIE FOR YOU...SHE ALMOST DID DIE FOR YOU!"
I couldn't believe he'd said that. If there was any part of my heart unbroken it was shattered with that statement. After the shock settled, and I realized he'd really said it. I knew how angry I had made him, and then I was angry. Not with him, but with myself. My father would not have normally said that and I couldn't believe he really had. New tears flowed. No longer tears of fear or anger, but of sorrow.
My father had really lost that much faith in me that he would stoop that low in order to hurt me enough that I would back down.
(You see, my mother had a hard labor with me. I almost killed her. Once I was born she started to bleed out, and she had to get a hysterectomy. I'm the reason she can't have anymore children, and that has always bothered me. It's the deepest possible hurt I have concerning my parents. If one thing would have gone wrong I wouldn't have had a mother, and my life would be completely different.)
We both remained silent the rest of the ride home. We were both exhausted, and I was hurt beyond repair (so I thought).
My mother happened to call, and I had thought it was over but my father explained to her that we all had some serious talking to do.
I was so tired. I went up into my room. I couldn't feel anything but pain. I prayed hard to the Lord. I cried my eyes out, but before I did anything else I put in a new CD my mother had bought me and it was in those lyrics I found my heart's song to the Lord and His response.
The first song I prayed hard was called "Hold My Heart":
"How long must I pray
Must I pray to you?
How long must I wait,
Must I wait for you?
How long till I see your face,
See you shining through?
I'm on my knees
Begging you to notice me.
I'm on my knees
Father will you turn to me.
ONE TEAR IN THE DRIVING RAIN
ONE VOICE IN A SEA OF PAIN
COULD THE MAKER OF THE STARS
HEAR THE SOUND OF MY BREAKING HEART
ONE LIFE, THAT'S ALL I AM
RIGHT NOW I CAN BARELY STAND
IF YOU'RE EVERYTHING YOU SAY YOU ARE
WOULD YOU COME CLOSE
AND HOLD MY HEART
I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why
I'M ON MY KNEES
BEGGING YOU TO TURN TO ME
I'M ON MY KNEES
FATHER WILL YOU RUN TO ME
ONE TEAR IN THE DRIVING RAIN
ONE VOICE IN A SEA OF PAIN
COULD THE MAKER OF THE STARS
HEAR THE SOUND OF MY BREAKING HEART
ONE LIFE, THAT'S ALL I AM
RIGHT NOW I CAN BARELY STAND
IF YOU'RE EVERYTHING YOU SAY YOU ARE
WOULD YOU COME CLOSE
AND HOLD MY HEART
So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear you call my name
To hear you call my name
ONE TEAR IN THE DRIVING RAIN
ONE VOICE IN A SEA OF PAIN
COULD THE MAKER OF THE STARS
HEAR THE SOUND OF MY BREAKING HEART
ONE LIFE, THAT'S ALL I AM
RIGHT NOW I CAN BARELY STAND
IF YOU'RE EVERYTHING YOU SAY YOU ARE
WOULD YOU COME CLOSE
AND HOLD MY HEART
HOLD MY HEART
WOULD YOU HOLD MY HEART
HOLD MY HEART?"
I cried and screamed and prayed this song at the top of my lungs. Over and over again I prayed that chorus. I was pouring my heart out to him, begging to hear me and calm my parents. To let them understand. In the midst of my praying I tried to believe what my father had told me. That I was a liar. I tried so hard to believe that what I was saying was a lie. That my mother never had really said those things that I made them up. That it really was my fault, but the Lord wouldn't let me. He kept whispering "It's the truth. Believe the truth."
Then the next song on the album played and the first part of it really gave me comfort.
It's called "Times"
"I know I need You
I need to love You
I'd love to see You but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
I need to hear You
Is that so wrong?
(I was telling him how I felt with those lyrics. That I really did need his help, even through those trial. If he wanted me to go through them I'd need him right there.)
Now You pull me near You
When we're close I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You all that I've done
Are you done forgiving?
Can You look past my pretending?
I'm so tired of defending what I've become
What have I become?
But I hear you Say
MY LOVE IS OVER
IT'S UNDERNEATH
IT'S INSIDE
AND IN BETWEEN
The times you doubt me
And when you can't feel
The times you question
Is this for real?
The times that you're broken
The times that you mend
The times you hate me
And the times that you bend
MY LOVE IS OVER
IT'S UNDERNEATH
IT'S INSIDE
AND IN BETWEEN
The times that you're healing
And when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen
from grace
The times that you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
In times of confusion
In chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
I'm there in your heart-ache
I'm there through the storm
My love I will keep you by my power alone
I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends
It never ends”
This song really helped me calm my spirit, and the next song that came on. Touched my heart, and when it was over I realized my heart that I thought was broken beyond repair was whole again.
IT's called "Beloved"
I like to call it "God's love song to us"
"Love of my Life
Look deep in My eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life
The lust and the lies
And the past your afraid I might see
You've been running away from me
YOU'RE MY BELOVED LOVER
I'M YOURS
DEATH SHALL NOT PART US
IT'S YOU I DIED FOR
FOR BETTER OR WORSE
FOREVER WE'LL BE
MY LOVE IT UNITES US AND IT BINDS YOU TO ME
IT'S A MYSTERY
Love of my Life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Come running home to me
YOU'RE MY BELOVED LOVER
I'M YOURS
DEATH SHALL NOT PART US
IT'S YOU I DIED FOR
FOR BETTER OR WORSE
FOREVER WE'LL BE
MY LOVE IT UNITES US AND IT BINDS YOU TO ME
IT'S A MYSTERY
You've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers that won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips and you'll taste new life
YOU'RE MY BELOVED LOVER
I'M YOURS
DEATH SHALL NOT PART US
IT'S YOU I DIED FOR
FOR BETTER OR WORSE
FOREVER WE'LL BE
MY LOVE IT UNITES US AND IT BINDS YOU TO ME
IT'S A MYSTERY"
After I had poured my soul out to the Lord for what was an hour and a half, I turned to my Bible, and immediately I found this scripture.
PSALM 31:
"1 In you, O LORD, do I take refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
in your righteousness deliver me! 2Incline your ear to me;
rescue me speedily! Be a rock of refuge for me,
a strong fortress to save me!
3For you are my rock and my fortress;
and for your name’s sake you lead me and guide me; 4you take me out of the net they have hidden for me,
for you are my refuge. 5Into your hand I commit my spirit;
you have redeemed me, O LORD, faithful God.
6 I hate those who pay regard to worthless idols,
but I trust in the LORD. 7I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
because you have seen my affliction;
you have known the distress of my soul, 8and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;
you have set my feet in a broad place.
9Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also. 10For my life is spent with sorrow,
and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my iniquity,
and my bones waste away.
11Because of all my adversaries I have become a reproach,
especially to my neighbors, and an object of dread to my acquaintances;
those who see me in the street flee from me. 12I have been forgotten like one who is dead;
I have become like a broken vessel. 13For I hear the whispering of many—
terror on every side!— as they scheme together against me,
as they plot to take my life.
14But I trust in you, O LORD;
I say, "You are my God." 15My times are in your hand;
rescue me from the hand of my enemies and from my persecutors! 16 Make your face shine on your servant;
save me in your steadfast love! 17O LORD, let me not be put to shame,
for I call upon you; let the wicked be put to shame;
let them go silently to Sheol. 18Let the lying lips be mute,
which speak insolently against the righteous
in pride and contempt.
19Oh, how abundant is your goodness,
which you have stored up for those who fear you and worked for those who take refuge in you,
in the sight of the children of mankind! 20Inthe cover of your presence you hide them
from the plots of men; you store them in your shelter
from the strife of tongues.
21Blessed be the LORD,
for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me
when I was in a besieged city. 22I had said in my alarm,
"I am cut off from your sight."But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy
when I cried to you for help.
23Love the LORD, all you his saints!
The LORD preserves the faithful
but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride. 24 Be strong, and let your heart take courage,
all you who wait for the LORD!”
After reading this I prayed one final time letting the Lord know that I knew he would be with me when I went to go talk to my parents, and that I would wait on him to "save me in his steadfast love" and help heal this hurt between me and my parents.
After praying, I put down my Bible and I let the music play. I started my homework and waited for my parents to call me. When my father came to knock on my door this one song just happened to be playing. It gave me hope and kinda made me laugh. Only God has this kinda timing.
"By Your side":
"Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love?
Tell me why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?
CAUSE I'LL BE BY YOUR SIDE WHEREVER YOU FALL
IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT WHEREVER YOU CALL
PLEASE DON'T FIGHT THESE HANDS THAT ARE HOLDING YOU
MY HANDS ARE HOLDING YOU"
No one out there can hear those lyrics as you go to face the storm and not take heart.
The next following moments were the most miraculous moments of my 16 years. My father was no longer angry. My mother and father had talked for the 2 hours I was in my room. The Lord had moved mountains. I was in awe of God and his power. As we sat there we began to talk. My parents apologized to me for not believing me and for the things they had said. I apologized for my end because I was a major contributor to the trouble. I couldn't help but feel joy on the inside. My heart felt like it was stitched up and already beginning the process of healing. God could have completely taken that hurting feeling away, but I think he wanted me to remember that feeling so that it would inspire me to change my ways. To remind me of what he had done and what he could do.
When my father apologized for calling me a liar, it was like my heart opened inside my chest. I felt it bursting inside. I was so happy and overjoyed. He had faith in me again, and I was determined to keep it. I never wanted my father to ever lose that much faith in me again.
“The long night was over and gone. I thought once this dark would last for so long, but I feel the sunlight on my face. [He] has brought me to this place. Jesus, You found me. Through the long night and you set me free.” (Barlow Girl)
The next day I still bore the effects on my face. My face was pale from the stress, my eyes were swollen and tired from the crying my head still ached, but on my face I wore a smile. The Lord had restored my parent’s and mine relationship. I had more joy in my heart then I had had in a really long time, and I’m proud to say that it has continued to this day and will. I may get angry. I may get sad, but I will always have this to remember when God was good to me, and how good he will remain.
Our God is an Awesome God. He is wonderful and powerful. He will protect his children, and he is worth following. He has done more for me than most people may see in a lifetime, and I have my life to thank him with. It’s all I have in this work, but for him it’s enough.
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